Saturday, December 5, 2009

The Camera Adds Ten Pounds!

December is typically not a good month in which to diet. The Christmas holiday season is jam-packed with social events…the ‘company’ party, the neighborhood party, the family parties, and the OTHER company party. Too, there are the shopping trips. It is practically unheard of to spend a day in town, bustling from shop to shop, without stopping for a bite to eat in a restaurant or a café or a fast food joint. Such extravagances almost always result in an over-indulgence or two. It’s impossible not to splurge on a piece of strawberry cheesecake or a dish of chocolate mousse. After all…it’s Christmas! It’s a tradition!

But you see, I have a problem. I am going to be a guest on a local television show on December 27th. Just two days after Christmas. I’m excited… psyched, even! What a great opportunity to tout my novel, Grumble Bluff! To spread the word about my newspaper column, ‘Observations from The F.A.R.M.’! And what fun!

But holy smokes! Everyone knows…the camera ADDS TEN POUNDS!

There are some people, admittedly, who can afford to look a bit heavier, a tad more fleshed out. Sure there are. Of course!


Oh, brother…

I have NEVER been skinny. Even when I wasn’t curvaceous, I wasn’t skinny! I’ve already HAD the ten pounds added. The twenty! The…um…twenty-one!

Good heavens…

I suppose it’s a good thing that there are men hereabouts who like their women with a bit of meat on their bones. I know I would have been up the proverbial creek without a paddle if every man in western Maine was only content with slender ladies who sported collarbones and had space enough between their thighs to throw a Frisbee through.

Yup. As Martha Stewart would say, ‘It’s a good thing.’

Of course, it’s important to remember that we well-rounded girls have many other attributes that make us attractive. I read a survey once that stated that Maine had one of the highest percentages of overweight women in the country. That may very well be true. After all, we have a very long, cold winter here! It’s hard to concentrate on how your bikini will look when you’re hanging wet laundry on the clothesline in -20 degree weather, or trying to peel an icicle off your tongue without drawing blood. We stay inside except to shovel snow or lug wood, and sort of semi-hibernate.

Nope, for seven months out of the year, we’re basically inactive. These months include Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s, Valentine’s Day, Easter, Ground Hog’s Day, Martin Luther King Jr. Day, President’s Day, April Fool’s Day, Ash Wednesday…even FAT TUESDAY, for crying out loud! And several full moons, too!

We’re doomed!

And we have only May through September to take that winter weight back off.

Do the math. If we gain five pounds a month for seven months, work hard and manage to lose five pounds each month during the summer, we are still ten pounds overweight when winter rolls around again. In four years, we’ve gained forty pounds! In eight years...EIGHTY! That’s what an average ten-year-old child weighs. That’s sixteen bags of sugar. Three hundred and twenty sticks of butter!

Man, am I depressed!!

So, it’s possible that Maine men do prefer large women. It’s also conceivable that they have no other choice…their options are that limited. Therefore, it’s vital we ladies constantly remind them that what we lack in slenderness, we make up for in hair.

See…most men in Maine don’t have a lot of body hair. Oh... you’ll occasionally see a fellow with a tuft of hair peeking out over the top of his tee shirt, but chances are good, that same man will be as bald as an egg. It’s like the body compensates for what the head has lost...

And while men have a problem with thinning hair as they get older, it’s just the opposite for us gals. As we age, we fur out. A little moustache on the upper lip, some downy fuzz on the cheeks...the occasional black wiry hair sprouting from a mole.

It’s all part of our charm, I’ve been told.

My point is, so what if some survey conducted at a college on the coast of southern California says that Maine women are overweight? We have many other attributes that make us sexy!

Hmm. For some strange reason, I’m STILL depressed.

The bottom line is this. I’m going to be on TV. In front of a host of viewers who will be both strangers AND folks who know me… and I’ll be looking like I’ve gained ten pounds. In order to appear as I do right now, I need to lose ten pounds in the next three weeks. During the season with the biggest, most food-filled holiday of them all.

Can I do it? In an intelligent and healthy manner? Well, I’m going to try. I’ll give it my best shot.

And I think I’ll start by having a shave…


  1. Hi Trev!

    I have the feeling I'm missing something, here....

    I don't know any Brazilians... or is that a type of razor? I was thinking of using a Daisy or a Gillette...

    How about you...what's your preference?

  2. Brilliant Trev .... snicker

    Karen, I know exactly how you feel about cameras - they are not kind to us at all.
    Good luck dieting over the festive season! Just try not to worry too much about the TV appearance - after all you successfully survived the Tavern experience with flying colours !
    Go girl !!!!

  3. Okay, Dozy...when I read 'snicker', I KNOW I'm missing something. And I'm ALSO assuming... this might not be the place to impart that knowledge to me!

    Shoulda known...with Trev, I need to be on my toes!

    Thank you for the vote of confidence. Yeah... I survived the comedy show. But that was in front of only 100 people, and 95 of them knew me. (They now wish they didn't..)

    You're right, though...I'll be fine. And I'll ALSO be ten pounds lighter! (I ATE ALL DAY LONG, TODAY!!! What's the matter with me???)

    Come back again, you lovely bovine, you! (I love what you've done with your hair...very Empirical!)


  4. Well, I DID survive my guest appearance on WSKI this morning! And a BIG thanks goes to Dozycow, who stayed up until midnight to watch me live on the internet! (I think she was one of nine people who watched online!)

    We did, apparently, have a healthy-sized audience on cable and most especially on Sugarloaf Mountain, itself--lots of vacationing viewers there this week. So...that's good, right?

    Phew. If only I hadn't looked at the monitor half-way through(because I was having fun up until that point)! That ten pounds the camera added? Gah! It gave me a double chin! I didn't have one BEFORE today, did I? Surely I would have noticed before now? Hmmm. It's apparent that I need to stop being so shy and reticent, and TALK more often...exercise those muscles!

    Heh. It's over. And it was an enjoyable few minutes. It was hot under those glaring lights, but any time I can talk about writing, it's FUN!