Sunday, April 4, 2010

Jumping Jehovah's Witnesses!

I was home one day a few months ago, trying to get caught up on some tasks. I mixed up a batch of cookies and threw a pan of them in the oven, and then went upstairs to my bedroom.

I’d just received three books from Peter Watt, an Australian author who is a friend of mine. He’d donated them to the my home town library; the New Portland Community Library.

Before handing them over to the trustees, I wanted to take a picture of them to send into the Irregular, along with a blurb, so that he would get recognition for his generosity; albeit, recognition from 10,000 miles away.

I propped the three books up against the mirror on my dresser and took a picture. It was dark in the bedroom, as the day was overcast. So, I lit a candle to either side, causing a lovely ambient glow. Just as I prepared to take another photo, I heard a knock on the kitchen door.

I ran downstairs to answer it, and there on my porch were a man and a woman. A well-dressed man and a woman, with a Bible in one hand, and a Watchtower magazine in the other.

Jehovah’s Witnesses.

I want you to understand, I have nothing against Jehovah's Witnesses. In my opinion, someone with that much courage and that much conviction, who goes door to door preaching to total strangers, deserves a few moments of my time, and my respect. So…I stood on the porch and let them speak for a few minutes.

Suddenly, the timer on the oven buzzed behind me. My cookies were done. I said ‘Excuse me, I’ve gotta take some cookies out of the oven’…hoping that they would take the hint and leave.

No such luck. They stepped into the kitchen right behind me! I took the cookies out and placed them on the stove top. I was a little nervous now…they were ensconced in my home. How was I going to politely get rid of them? Yup, I was nervous.

You know by now that something awful happens to me when I get nervous. Something really awful. I’m overtaken by this affliction…this syndrome. I call it the BONEHEAD MOMEMENT.

Holy cow…

In the course of the conversation, the lady asked me if I knew where they could spot some moose. They were city JWs, you see. They thought there was some kind of moose hangout up here… a Fellowship Hall of sorts. A place where they congregated. And it was my duty, as a savvy country chick, to straighten them out.

Oh, my God, I made such a fool of myself! I told these upstanding, God-fearing people that it was the moose rut. Mating season for moose! I told them that our friendly neighborhood moose were not so friendly right now. Because, of course, they were INCREDIBLY HORNY! And I’m not talking about antlers, here! Yes, that’s right…I went ON and ON and ON about how horny the moose were right now!

I told them that if, in fact, they came across a moose, it was a good idea to go along their way and not bother the passionate fellow. That he might be tempted to do them harm. Because he would be horny. Full of lust.

Yes…horny. My term, and a refined one, at that.

Not ONLY THAT, but I told them if they wanted a really good shot at seeing a horny moose, they ought to talk to the BIG GUY! THE BIG GUY!!! That’s what I called Jehovah to His witnesses…

Holy Bullwinkle! What the heck is the matter with me??? I COULD NOT shut up! It was like the sexual exploits of the largest mammal in North America had suddenly become my mantra. I could NOT shut up.

Of course, their eyes were HUGE!!! They were enthralled with my story. I think I scared them a bit. As I drew a breath, about to launch into a new chapter pertaining to the mating habits of the woodcock, which I thought they would be particularly interested in, since their mating calls sound like FARTS…

Just as I was about to expound…

They began to talk about the END of TIMES. How the world was coming to an end ANY DAY NOW! And suddenly, all that talk about FIRE and BRIMSTONE made me remember something. I’d left those three autographed novels on my dresser, next to two lit candles! The thought scared the crap out of me! And just as the gentleman handed me a Watchtower magazine, I hollered ‘CHR**T! I’m gonna BURN THOSE BOOKS!!!!’

I am SOOOOO going to hell….

Well, they jumped about a foot in the air, but my time for politeness was over. I ushered them out the door and slammed it in their faces, then ran upstairs to see if there was an inferno on top of my bureau.

I am SOOOO going to hell.

Of course, you realize that I’ve now become a special project for the Jehovah’s Witnesses. I could tell right away that I’d been covered by an invisible cloak of holiness, because I couldn’t cuss worth beans for the rest of the day. I am absolutely positive that they went back to Tabernacle to set up a state-wide prayer circle for me.

Just as soon as they went and found themselves some horny moose...

I am SOOOOO going to hell.

Moose photo published by National Geographic Magazine
Photo of Pete Watt's novels (on dresser with lit candles) taken my KazzaBP


  1. P.S. I have some very good friends who are JW's. Please don't take offense. I am making fun of MYSELF, and my inability to be suave, cool, sophisticated and un-boneheaded. It's not your fault... although you really should call ahead for an appointment.

    Just saying...


  2. That has got to be the second best Jehova's Witness story I have ever heard. Since the poor unsuspecting ladies in the first funiest story were exposed to the mating habits of football fans, I don't think I'll share that one here!

    I can just picture you explaining about the moose rut to well meaning, devout, city folks!

    As for me, well, no one comes to my door with religious literature anymore. Not since the incident with the belt grinder and the Bowie Knife, but that's a whole nother story........

  3. Hahaha! Oh, all right! Keep it to yourself! (Just as long as you promise to tell it to me some night when you come over the mountain to sit on my porch. We might even get to watch some moose while you tell me!)

    Hehehe... the poor JW's. Belt grinder and bowie knife, hmmmm?

    You are soooo going to hell! (Shall I save you a seat?)


  4. Dear Lady, you miss judge me. There is no need for you to save me a seat. I have it on good athority that they have one all picked out and waiting for me. Even has my name engraved on it, just so there's no mistake!

    Of course I'm kidding. Fact is, if they ever hear I'm on my way, they'll probably lock the gates. Some rumor about me taking over the place! ;)

    Yes, of course I'll tell you the stories sometime, but just for the record, I never actually threatened anyone, really..........

    And now, just because I can, I must point out that in your above story you have included a photo of Alaskan Moose [Alces alces gigas], when in fact you were speaking of the Eastern Moose [Alces alces americana]. [Go ahead, ask me how I know.....]

    I know, I know, I'll go look for the hot seat with my name engraved on it now!

  5. Take that, you... you... dammit! It's not bad enough that CP is constantly correcting my grammar and giving me puzzling idioms to figure out. Now I have the alces alces police on GAG!!!

    Please view closely the new photo above.

    THOSE moose are alces alces kingfieldorama, better know as: one mile up the road from my office!

    You're going to be a challenge, aren't you?


  6. Oh, all right! My curiosity got the better or me! Did you know because you'd seen the winners of the National Geographic photo contest, and read the caption? Or was there some dangling participle that clued you in? Or around? Or about?


  7. No dangling participle [heck, I didn't even know that dangly thing on a Moose WAS a participle].

    No, it's quite simple really. Anyone who has been on a first name basis with a few hundred moose could have told you the same thing. Just look at the antlers. The big bull in that NatGeo picture [great photo by the way] had the classic flat, laid back antlers of the Alakan Moose, where as the antlers on a Maine Moose are much more upright. See, simple! I just threw the latin stuff in there to make it sound more impressive. A little latin always sounds impressive when you're being a wise guy!

    Going to be a challenge? Who? Me?

  8. Snicker... aw, I needed some good chuckles tonight (when does one NOT need a laugh?) and you've provided them. Hehehe...

    I'm never going to be able to look at a moose's dangling participle again without laughing, now. You realize that, don't you?

    Hehehe. Thanks, DC.

  9. JWs?...more like MFs.. last lot came here took out my electric cattle fence reversing their stupid car so I shot them.

  10. Oh, Trev... you're such a funny guy! You can't shoot JW's! If I can have my potty-mouth silenced by an invisible cloak of holiness (albeit for a day only... I've got some powerful PM juju!) then imagine what would happen to you if you shot the occasional JW. Nope... no shooting allowed.

    You'll just have to come up with another sure fire way to keep your cattle fence in place and your blood pressure down. (Psst... See me after class. I found something that works every time!)

  11. Wow I didn't know that there where so many of us that have had somewhat comical experiences with the Jehovah’s Witnesses. I have 2 story's that come to mind. One well lets say that that will have to wait until I am sure young eyes are not reading ( shipyard mouth you understand) . Then the other not that its roll in the isles funny but always comes to mind when i hear the Jehovah’s Witnesses named . My Mother , now you know being a God fearing person , started her day out going to Trantens to do the weekly shopping for the family , and as she would do many times go to the meat counter and get the dog we had a bone . Well the dog we had was a very well behaved dog most of the time , except when he had a new bone . He didn't have that bone 15 min. when a car load of JW's stoped at the end of the driveway . well off went the dog to protect what was his and his alone . while my self and my mother watched the next few minutes unfold . well one got out and started up the drive only to be met by one angry looking dog baring his teeth and hackles raised ." Go on"' said one from the safety of the car ." you'll be fine " , few steps more baking and growling got much worse ." go on gods with you . " , said another . Now mind you heres my mom and you know she was raised a Baptist shes laughing at all this , we of course knew that if he just kept walking he would be fine ( as long as he didnt try to take the bone .) well I guess he didn't think God was with him that day because he took off on a dead run back to the car and they all took off . Kind of one of those story's that you had to be there but am always reminded of when I hear the Jehovah’s Witnesses mentioned.

  12. Oh, Wally! I could hear Laura's laughter while I read your story. It made me smile but also brought a tear. Your mother could find humor in almost anything and she practically killed me, one Easter! A.G. got up out of her seat to go on stage and sing 'Rise Again' and as she walked up the aisle, we noticed the back of her skirt was tucked into her panty-hose. Well, a quick-thinking alto (unlike your mother and I, who were also altos, but not that quick-thinking that morning)jumped up and snatched A.G.'s dress free from confinement. God love her, the wonderful soprano continued up to the pulpit, despite her now-beet-red complexion, and sang her song without missing a note. HOWEVER... your mother's shoulders shook...and shook...and SHOOK, and every single time I started to get a handle on my strangled hilarity, I'd look at Laura again (I was right behind her) and see her shaking shoulders and go off again! It's a wonder I didn't get booted out of the sanctuary that day! But jeeze...she was laughing just as hard as I was-- but MUCH quieter!

    Hehehe... thank you, sweetheart, so sharing that memory with us. And may I also say... GOOD DOG!!!


  13. Why don't the mafia like Jehovahs' Witnesses?

    Hey! The mafia don't like any kind of witnesses.

  14. Snicker... hey, CP. You were bright-eyed and bushy-tailed early this morning! And at the top of your game, too.

    By the way... don't listen to anything 'DC over the mountain' says about not cluing me in on the 'dreams stuff are made of', okay? It's obvious that he's going to be a trouble maker, and we should not encourage him by giving his suggestions any creedence.

    So... quantum mechanics? Hmmm? I'm losing sleep over this one, and I can't afford to lose sleep. At random times throughout the day that ridiculous thing pops into my head.

    Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff are made f... (Btw, shouldn't it be 'the dreams stuff IS made of?' Hmm? The more I learn about the English laguage, the less able I am to write a coherent sentence.


  15. DC Still Stiring The PotApril 5, 2010 at 6:35 PM

    Trouble maker? Who? Me? I don't know whether to be offended, or take a bow.... I mean, it is so rarely that my true talents are appreciated!

    Just to show that there are no hard feelings, if Crookedpaw doesn't care to take the time to explain, I could asign some reading that would help. 12 or 15 volumes aught to cover the basics and give you the general idea.

    You didn't have anything else to do this summer, right? :)

  16. Yup. I was right. You're going to be a challenge...

    And I love a good challenge!



  17. I got hassled by JWs once - they don't bother me no more......

    BTW - I got a good laugh out of your moose's dangling participle.....hehheh

  18. Those dangling participles... you don't have moose in New South Wales, do you? Well then! A bit of trivia for you, Dozy, sweets!

    The dangling participle on a bull moose is usually much more pronounced than that of a cow moose.

    Grumbles and Grins... not only entertaining, but educational, too!

    (Hey? Do you know anything about quantum mechanics???)


  19. Quantum Mechanics is a set of scientific principles describing the known behaviour of energy & matter that predominate at the atomic & subatomic scales..........

    Bet you didn't think I would know that huh ?(Actually I have no idea what it is - instead I did a 'google' search.....snicker) It all sounds incredibly mind numbing - maybe it puts one to sleep (hence to dream)?

    No moose here in NSW, however we do have a feral neighbour who frequently offers to show off (to women mostly) his dangling participle.........phht.

  20. don't let your dingle dangle in the dirt..roll it up and put it in your pocket where it wont get hurt...
    Reading between the lines think one can detect an underlying excitement from you ladies in the dangle thingo discussion department....

  21. Dozy, sweetie... thanks. But????

    The dreams stuff are (is) made of!!!!

    Oh, man.

    And yes, Trev, we ladies who adore reading and writing get really steamed over dangling participles.

    I've never put one in my pocket though...


  22. I do so adore reading - makes one wonder though if a pocketbook could have a dangling participle ?