Sunday, April 4, 2010
Jumping Jehovah's Witnesses!
I was home one day a few months ago, trying to get caught up on some tasks. I mixed up a batch of cookies and threw a pan of them in the oven, and then went upstairs to my bedroom.
I’d just received three books from Peter Watt, an Australian author who is a friend of mine. He’d donated them to the my home town library; the New Portland Community Library.
Before handing them over to the trustees, I wanted to take a picture of them to send into the Irregular, along with a blurb, so that he would get recognition for his generosity; albeit, recognition from 10,000 miles away.
I propped the three books up against the mirror on my dresser and took a picture. It was dark in the bedroom, as the day was overcast. So, I lit a candle to either side, causing a lovely ambient glow. Just as I prepared to take another photo, I heard a knock on the kitchen door.
I ran downstairs to answer it, and there on my porch were a man and a woman. A well-dressed man and a woman, with a Bible in one hand, and a Watchtower magazine in the other.
I want you to understand, I have nothing against Jehovah's Witnesses. In my opinion, someone with that much courage and that much conviction, who goes door to door preaching to total strangers, deserves a few moments of my time, and my respect. So…I stood on the porch and let them speak for a few minutes.
Suddenly, the timer on the oven buzzed behind me. My cookies were done. I said ‘Excuse me, I’ve gotta take some cookies out of the oven’…hoping that they would take the hint and leave.
No such luck. They stepped into the kitchen right behind me! I took the cookies out and placed them on the stove top. I was a little nervous now…they were ensconced in my home. How was I going to politely get rid of them? Yup, I was nervous.
You know by now that something awful happens to me when I get nervous. Something really awful. I’m overtaken by this affliction…this syndrome. I call it the BONEHEAD MOMEMENT.
In the course of the conversation, the lady asked me if I knew where they could spot some moose. They were city JWs, you see. They thought there was some kind of moose hangout up here… a Fellowship Hall of sorts. A place where they congregated. And it was my duty, as a savvy country chick, to straighten them out.
Oh, my God, I made such a fool of myself! I told these upstanding, God-fearing people that it was the moose rut. Mating season for moose! I told them that our friendly neighborhood moose were not so friendly right now. Because, of course, they were INCREDIBLY HORNY! And I’m not talking about antlers, here! Yes, that’s right…I went ON and ON and ON about how horny the moose were right now!
I told them that if, in fact, they came across a moose, it was a good idea to go along their way and not bother the passionate fellow. That he might be tempted to do them harm. Because he would be horny. Full of lust.
Yes…horny. My term, and a refined one, at that.
Not ONLY THAT, but I told them if they wanted a really good shot at seeing a horny moose, they ought to talk to the BIG GUY! THE BIG GUY!!! That’s what I called Jehovah to His witnesses…
Holy Bullwinkle! What the heck is the matter with me??? I COULD NOT shut up! It was like the sexual exploits of the largest mammal in North America had suddenly become my mantra. I could NOT shut up.
Of course, their eyes were HUGE!!! They were enthralled with my story. I think I scared them a bit. As I drew a breath, about to launch into a new chapter pertaining to the mating habits of the woodcock, which I thought they would be particularly interested in, since their mating calls sound like FARTS…
Just as I was about to expound…
They began to talk about the END of TIMES. How the world was coming to an end ANY DAY NOW! And suddenly, all that talk about FIRE and BRIMSTONE made me remember something. I’d left those three autographed novels on my dresser, next to two lit candles! The thought scared the crap out of me! And just as the gentleman handed me a Watchtower magazine, I hollered ‘CHR**T! I’m gonna BURN THOSE BOOKS!!!!’
I am SOOOOO going to hell….
Well, they jumped about a foot in the air, but my time for politeness was over. I ushered them out the door and slammed it in their faces, then ran upstairs to see if there was an inferno on top of my bureau.
I am SOOOO going to hell.
Of course, you realize that I’ve now become a special project for the Jehovah’s Witnesses. I could tell right away that I’d been covered by an invisible cloak of holiness, because I couldn’t cuss worth beans for the rest of the day. I am absolutely positive that they went back to Tabernacle to set up a state-wide prayer circle for me.
Just as soon as they went and found themselves some horny moose...
I am SOOOOO going to hell.
Moose photo published by National Geographic Magazine
Photo of Pete Watt's novels (on dresser with lit candles) taken my KazzaBP