Frivolous Lawsuits-- A Contest.

Even though I take full responsibility for the subject matter and tone on Grumbles and Grins, there are times when others influence the content of my blog. My family, friends and neighbors all play a role in my life… and my life is what inspires the content of this online journal.

After a recent post (“Testosterone-Smelling Ears”) one of my Australian friends wrote to me with a suggestion. He proposed that I start a new contest. He thought it would be fun to have readers write in with their best and brightest ideas for bringing a frivolous lawsuit, based on something stupid that they had done. Let’s face it… we’ve all done stupid things. Some of us even make a bit of a career out of it!

His idea sounded good to me.

At his suggestion, however, I am expanding the contest. In my next “Observations from The F.A.R.M.” column in The Irregular, I am going to invite the newspaper readers to join in the fun. Hopefully, they won’t be too shy to play along. I’ll invite them to come to GAG and submit their entries here on the blog, so that you can all enjoy their ‘bonehead moments’, too.

Since there is a bit of ‘lag time’ between when I write my column and when it appears in the newspaper, I’ll keep the contest open for awhile. I’ve already submitted articles in advance, so I believe the contest won’t get mentioned until I write the column for the April 27th issue. Therefore, I’ll let the contest run until May 11th, my mother’s birthday.

Since this is maple syrup season, I’ll award the winner a quart of maple syrup made right here in Lexington which, at today’s prices, is worth almost $20.00. I’ll also throw in an autographed copy of Grumble Bluff. If you’ve already got one, maybe you can think of someone who’d like my novel as a gift.

In addition, I’ll take my top three favorites and publish them in the Irregular, in a subsequent column (with or without the winners' names-- your choice!) I think I’ll ask an author friend of mine to do the judging this time, so that—if we have a repeat winner—it won’t seem as if I’m playing favorites.

How does that sound? I hope it sounds like fun, and that you will enter. Just think of something dumb you’ve done (or something a member of your family has done) which would be a prime example of what might make a frivolous lawsuit, and tell me all about it!

Chances are, though… that lawsuit’s already been 'tried'.

Mothers Say the Darnedest Things!

My friend Lorraine stopped by the office today and reminded me of something: Mother’s Day is right around the corner. In her hand was a folded piece of paper; a collection of “Famous Last Words” she’d read which caused her to smile, and she wanted to share them. It hasn’t been that long since my friend lost her own mother, and so I was touched that she included me—and therefore you—in her sentimental and humorous musings.

I’ve been a mother for twenty-seven years. The older I get, the more I realize that I am very similar to my own mother. The silly things she said to me are often repeated in my house… even though I recognize that those warnings and admonitions are usually foolish. We mothers can’t help ourselves. We are desperate to raise kind and well-grounded and productive members of society. We are determined to do our best to keep our children safe, and we yearn for their happiness. And so… when common sense doesn’t work, we resort to whatever we have in our arsenal which will.

Here are a few of the standard, oft-used and mostly ridiculous phrases employed by mothers like me. Mother’s like Lorraine, and Leona, and Jo. We simply can’t ourselves.

**If you don’t stop, your face will freeze like that.
**I only have two hands.
**Let me kiss it and make it better.
**Because I’m your mother; that’s why.
**Go ask your father.
**Wear clean underwear; you could get into an accident. (It always amazes me that this works!)
**Don’t put that in your mouth; you don’t know where it’s been.
**I don’t care who started it.
**If I didn’t love you so much, I wouldn’t care what you did.

**You’ll have kids of your own someday.
**Clean your plate; there are starving children.
**As long as you live in my house, we’ll do it my way.
**Wait till your father gets home!
**If all your friends jumped off a cliff, would you want to do it , too?
**Don’t ever forget that I love you.
**You’ll always be my baby.

And my personal favorite, used by busy mothers everywhere who simply don’t have time for debate:

Because I said so!

Yes, I admit it: I have used every single one of these idioms in the last quarter century. Each one passed through Mum’s lips, as well. They are the time-honored quips of beleaguered but loving mothers, everywhere.

I’m thankful for my mother—for what would I have used to keep my three offspring in line if I hadn’t had her good words to carry with me? Mum worked hard to raise us right, and she didn’t have it easy, either. After all, she had to walk barefoot through snow uphill both ways to get to school when she was a child. And I’m pretty sure I did, too.

I love you, Mum. And to mothers everywhere, happy Mother’s Day.

Titles Are Clear-Kut Innovations (aka TACKI)

For those of you who are fans of my Irregular column ‘Observations From The F.A.R.M. (Fresh Air and Room to Move)’ please check out my pal Jack Ramsay’s blog, The Down Under Dunder, or DUD. (Jack and I are masters at this game! GAG… DUD… The cunning we possess when coming up with titles for our creations is mind-boggling! Remember, it was Jack who wrote that excellent children's story about the circus cow who wowed audiences with her extraordinary juggling act. The title was, if I remember correctly, Balls on a Heifer. And of course, I am the best-selling author of the tale about the hirsute creator of custom-designed portable under-the bed toilets; Hairy Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. Yeah… Jack and I? We know what we’re doing in the ‘title’ department!)

Some of you may remember the Scotsman from his guest appearances in my column and on Grumbles and Grins. But if you missed him (and I assume the ONLY reason you missed reading ‘Observations’ or GAG was due to a terrible, debilitating illness) then you have an opportunity to catch up, right now!

Please travel to Australia via the cyber-highway and spend a few moments with my pal, writer Jack Ramsay. You won’t be sorry.

He’s an idiot, but don’t take my word for it. Jack is the expert on idiocy, here. Go check him out.