Crookedpaw, a friend from down-country, has been crowned the winner of the NAME THAT PHOTO CAPTION contest. The winning entry? Heck... now I can't see the comments section to quote him exactly... hold on, my friends, while I figure out how to do this. (Rocket science is not my bag...and this simply HAS to be rocket science!)
I'm back! The winning caption is: 'That's the last time I play Twister with Edward Scissorhands!'
Yahoo!
Hey, guys and gals... I really appreciate all the fun and original entries you gave me. I love that you came over to GAG to play. I am grateful to the intrepid Ali g who had such a hard time choosing the winner, but who hung in there until he'd painstakingly separated the wheat from the chaff.
And Wade? You, my dear boy (and good friend) are the CHAFF!! Hehehe. Hopeless, that's what you are. (FYI, Grumble Bluffs are STILL on sale at Tranten's! You walk by them almost every day! Ahem... that's all I'm saying...)
Thanks again, my friends. :o)
Okay, okay... not every Pease is a terrible photographer. I purposely cropped this photo. In an effort to renew interest in my photo caption contest and give poor, bored Ali g something to do, I am adding another topless photo of Karen Bessey Pease. But how do you know it's me, you ask? Trust me... it I was going to choose a body to attach my head to, it wouldn't be this one. To begin with, it would be about 20 years younger! And I would simply whittle down from there...
So, take your pick and captionize a pic! Give either of these photos a caption, add it into the comments section down below, and then, STAY TUNED. The winner, chosen by the persnickety Ali g, will be announced on 2/14/2010. The champion photo labeler will win an autographed copy of Grumble Bluff! These fine tomes are valuable beyond measure, so be sure to enter now.
ORIGINAL TEXT:
This is actually a photo caption contest. Posted here and to the right (unless you're on the opposite side of the screen and facing in my direction) is another professional photo of me, author Karen Bessey Pease. This photo needs a caption. A good caption. A funny one. Look at the picture closely and see how creative you can be. I'm thinking of using this shot for my author bio on the back cover of Grumble Bluff,so put on your thinking caps and see what you can come up with!
(I had a teacher in third grade, Mrs. Beane, who always said the 'thinking cap' thing. It seemed appropriate to use here until I realized she used it on THIRD GRADERS!)
Oh, well. The contest runs until Valentine's Day, and the winner will be announced on Sunday, February 21, 2010. (Oops, meant 2/15/2010...sorry to those who read the original text.) Our very own Ali g will be judging the entries, but he has assured me that bribery WILL NOT WORK. There will be NO FAVORITISM! No NEPOTISM! No DESPOTISM! No PRIAPISM! None of that, nuh-uh! He has promised me he is above such things! (He has also stated FOR THE RECORD that he prefers Chardonnay, and that there is a 34 HP farm tractor with detachable bucket and PTO and a three point hitch on his wish list, but those facts hold NO RELEVANCE WHATSOEVER as it pertains to this contest.) What a guy!
Create the best title and win an autographed copy of Grumble Bluff. I'll even throw in a signed photo of myself to use at your discretion! (But how will you know it's me? And what would you discreetly use a photo for, anyway?)
Come play on GAG. You're guaranteed to grumble or grin!
No...I'm not Johnny Cash...I'm the WOMAN in black
ReplyDeleteI should have worn my cowboy boots and hat! Oh, wait! Maybe I DID wear my hat...
ReplyDeleteHi Trev. Thanks for entering. And don't be shy...this contest will run for a month and you can enter as many times as you like. Ali g is pretty discerning, and a great judge when it comes to photo captions, so I wish you all the best!
Losing my mind, but dam I look good in crocs
ReplyDeletemore to come I'm sure..lol
Yes, thank you... that is my cat shitting in the background, thats how we roll up in here!!! When u got to go we go!!!
ReplyDeleteHehehehe. Hey, Wade! I DO look good in crocs, don't I? Snicker. My sister thinks those are the ugliest shoes on the planet, but I LOVE them!!! Soooo comfy!
ReplyDeleteAnd I hadn't even NOTICED the cat in the photo!!! (Her name is 'Curious'.) Now I'm wondering just what she WAS doing...
Very funny stuff! I needed a smile tonight, and you provided! Can't guarantee you'll win, though. Ali g is one tough judge!! He's pretty witty, himself, so it'll take a lot to impress him! Keep 'em coming!
Well I think Wade should have it with the cat! I didn't see it at first ether good eyes Wade you must have eaten all of your carrots as a kid. Well I looked at it and Damn near thought the dreams Ive had of cutting off my my ex-wifes head finally came true. But really I wouldn't do such a thing . But here's my take on it: Marie Antoinette wishes her subjects a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year ! or A Sleepy Hollow Christmas.
ReplyDeleteGiving head is a health hazard?
ReplyDeleteWally:
ReplyDelete#1: Cute
#2: Cuter
Trev:
TREV!!!!!
P.S. (I wondered what was the matter with you after your first entry... glad to see you're 'back'... but TREV!!!)
Lost my ass buying all these presents...literally
ReplyDeleteShe did it again! My wife always talks her head off!
ReplyDeleteGuess what my husband asked Santa for Christmas?
ReplyDeleteWade, Wally and Sue... (Welcome to GAG, Sue! Nice to meet you, and I hope you'll visit often!)
ReplyDeleteI see you folks are really working hard to come up with captions for this photo. Sure am glad I'm not the one judging this!
(I'm not supposed to be grinning, am I?)
Nope. :o)
I think there should be some kind of caption addressing the fact that there is duct tape on one of those gifts... I really do. Would that keep us all out of trouble, do you think?
Ali g... help!
Motel F.A.R.M....we'll leave some lights on for ya
ReplyDeletehope I'm not bombarding u with to many...I look at it and go away and junk just pops in
No way! You can't enter too many times! I entered a blog contest about twelve times last summer, and STILL didn't win! (I think there was a serious case of nepotism involved... I really do!)
ReplyDeleteAnyhoo, keep 'em coming! Get Wanda to give it a shot, too. And why is it that you aren't a GAG follower, yet? Hmmm?
Heh. Have a great night! Karen
I don't care who you are...just take the damn photo then go and get your bloody reindeer off my roof
ReplyDeleteHere is an entry from Lori:
ReplyDelete'Who is that Christmas stranger?'
Thanks, Lori! I'm sure Ali g is reading these as they come in... I'd say you and Trev are running 'neck and neck'! Hehehe.
What's a girl gotta do to get ahead?
ReplyDeleteTrev! You have a photo! Finally!
ReplyDeleteIs that a sock puppet, or a snake with a Statue of Liberty crown on its head? (Hehe... it's just so SMALL and my eyes are so OLD!)
'What's a girl gotta do to get ahead?'
:o)>
You crack me up!
(But shouldn't I be in bed?)
I need some more entries for this contest! There are 30 followers of GAG, so lets hear from some of them! Dena? Chris? Jack? Chris-The-Man? Linda? (I KNOW you could come up with some good ones!)
ReplyDeleteWe want Ali g to be overwhelmed with entries! He ALWAYS wins these contests, so it's time we put him to work!
How about this one: 'I DARE YOU to touch my tree!'
Oh, fine! So that was crappy! I don't want an autographed Grumble Bluff, anyway!
Hey Karen,
ReplyDeleteHow about "Listen up & take my advice - DON'T go losing your head at those Christmas sales! "
Hmmmn.....still think it's gonna be a hard slog for anyone to beat Trev's last comment.....
Hi Dozy! I wondered where you've been! Nice to 'see' you!
ReplyDeleteDon't let old Trev intimidate you! Remember, Ali g is the judge, and he won't be swayed by a fine male physique or a glib tongue! So he SURELY won't be swayed by Trev, either! (Unless, of course, Trev really does submit the most clever caption!)
Keep entering, please. The more entries there are, the merrier our judge will be. I'm sure he has little else to occupy his time!
You have heard of the red light district, ran out of red bulbs,using white lights now .. better ambiance, same great service, same low price... inquire within
ReplyDeleteSnort! You're incorrigible, Wade. (Thanks for being incorrigible...)
ReplyDeleteOk.. I learned the word of the day...Incorrigible....to big a word for me to understand and not ashamed to admit it... looked it up and yup I guess I fit...lol
ReplyDeleteStick with me, kid! I'll give you an education--you have my word! Actually, you can have several of them!
ReplyDeleteNot only are you incorrigible, but I've rarely known you to display nonchalance. In fact, you are quite irrepressible and I find that trait rather enamoring. But you are no poltroon, especially when someone attempts to behave unconscionably toward your prepossessing wife.
Snort. What a load of hooey. Reading that would give Mr. Grumbles the 'physics', for sure! He hates it when I use 'big' words. And of course you know I don't often speak that way in 'real life'. I'd be more apt to say, 'That Wade is a helluva good cheese!'
And you are. Say 'hi' to the prepossessing Mrs. Wade for me, won'tcha?
Okay, here goes.
ReplyDelete◘ "Mmmpff mmmpff mmmpff mmmpff."
◘ "Not a lot going on upstairs, but from there on down, Disneyland!" (With apologies to C.W. McCall)
◘ "Those are not my eyes, Dear."
◘ "If you can keep your head when all about you/Are losing theirs ..." Oh, bugger! Too late!
◘ "I'm ready for my closeup, Mr. DeMille."
◘ "I'd forget my head if it wasn't screwed on."
◘ Mrs. Bessey Pease is confident of winning the title role in this years' production of Legend Of Sleepy Hollow.
◘ This is why you don't stand up in roller coasters.
◘ "Got out of bed in a hurry this morning, huh?"
◘ "Where did you say you got that vanishing cream from?"
◘ "Well, you said you wanted me to pose topless."
◘ "That's the last time I play Twister with Edward Scissorhands!"
◘ When Santa runs out of lumps of coal to give the bad kids.
◘ "It's life, Jim, but not as we know it." (With apologies to Dr. Leonard McCoy)
That's it for now. If I think of some more, I'll pop in again.
Live long and prosper.
Oh, my gawd!! CP, you are a prince! If I had a face, it would HURT right now from laughing so hard!
ReplyDeleteHehehehe. I swear, you are the product of providence (look it up, Wade, sweetie). Perfect timing! I was just about to put my heels on and stomp around the room and give someone holy old hell--I was that ripped--and then this popped onto my screen. You have saved someone a serious ass-whupping, my friend. And my cheerful mood is restored.
Hehehe. Oh me, oh my. That was too funny. Thanks. And Ali g will thank you, too!
Live long, and laugh.
And hey! Why do you have to apologize to C.W. McCall?? Hmmm? Were you thinking more 'Jurassic Park' than Disneyland?
ReplyDelete:o)
Didn't he sing (talk to music, rather) Convoy? Truly an American classic. Back in the dark ages I used to have a CB and chatted on it all the time! 'Breaker One-Nine, what's your twenty? Breaker One-Nine for a ten-thirty-six?' Snort! That's all I can remember of the CB lingo. I can remember most of the standard ten codes I used when I worked for Sugarloaf Rescue, though. Hey Wade! Are you around? Do you remember my call sign/number? I'll send you an autographed tongue depressor if you do!! (And no peeking back in the records, either!)
I'll give you a hint. It started with RESQ...
Ok I'm with ur husband.. way to big of words for me.. plain english please..I hate pressing 1 for english, it should just b there...lol. Am also to lazy to go back to school with MRS REID.. yes I remember my freshman english teacher, she made us do the dictionary all over again.. (that wench)
ReplyDeleteI do not remember your call sign, sorry to say I don't think u did it long enough for it to stick.. But u know, I think they have a way u can challenge the test if u were once licensed and get ur license back...hint...hint..greg could use some help up ur way...
by the way... Yes I am cold, that is why the scarf is covering them
How did you know that's why I wore a scarf??? Hehehe. Ali g will like that caption, I can tell.
ReplyDelete:o)>
And btw...I was part of Sugarloaf Rescue for THREE YEARS. And I would've thought a short six months would have been enough time to make me (and my call numbers) stick in your mind! Hmmph! (<-- That's supposed to be a sound of mild disgust or petulance.) Hehehe. S'alright, kiddo! I can't remember yours and you've been there... what? 15 years? 18? In all honesty, now that the kids are teens, I've actually thought of getting recertified as an EMT and as a CPR instructor, at the very least. Couldn't do all that once I'd moved out here to the williwacks with two little ones who depended on me, but they'd be okay if I had to jump up and run out in the middle of the night, now. Mr. Grumbles has gotten a little more self-sufficient, too, gawd bless his little heart!
Ahem. RESQ69 That was me. (Is that Chuck, now?)
P.S. Mrs. Reid... Steven had her for English in the mid seventies, and now Josie has her. It's fun to listen to them compare notes!
Well 3 years is a little while there...I started in 1989... 21 years this year...man seem like forever.. Nope I still dont remember u having that number..only because "back in the day" Ron tried not to have the same numbers as fire dept. which courtney knapp had 69 then and still does..
ReplyDeleteChuck is 78
It would be great for u to jump back at it..still is rewarding
Man I didnt know she was still teaching..steven in the 70's me in the 80's ur kids in the 2000's...christ she must be 100 years old by now...and meaner I'm sure..poor kids
See, Mr. Grumbles was the teacher's pet. And Josie-Earl seems to be following in his footsteps. She didn't inherit her mother's propensity for talking non-stop in class, nor does she seem to be afflicted with Tourette's the way I sometimes am. So... it's all good.
ReplyDelete(It's tough being the brat of the family. But then, I'll bet you can sympathize with my plight!)
Have a great day! I've got to bucket out a hole through the snow into the camp so that we can get in to wire it this weekend. CMP recently dropped a line there and I'm moving Mr. Grumbles and his moss, birch bark, mushrooms and twigs from MY PARLOR to that building, so he can happly create wondrous artsy-fartsy things on his day off without running a jig saw, circular saw, drill and sander IN MY HOUSE. Ahem. Sorry. I'm okay...
Well, your last comment just lends itself to another caption.
ReplyDelete◘ "You haven't been using that circular saw for long, have you?"
Cheers
Ha! You've seen me with my skil-saw, ay? Mr. Grumbles and I have 'his' and 'hers' tools, and my circular saw is the one with the electrical tape up and down the cord. THREE TIMES I've cut my own cord off! (I blame it on the fact that I'm left-handed, and they simply are not designed with south-paws in mind! Bass-akwards, they are!)
ReplyDeleteHowever! I am not the adult in this household who has run my fingers through a table saw, nor have I shredded my pant leg with a chainsaw!
I save MY wanton destruction for things that go 'bzzzzztt' when I slice through them. (If you could see my head, you would understand where the curly hair comes from... slicing through a cord gives a girl a definite lift!)
Thanks for playing, CP.
:OP
'Cheers' to you, too.
Ugh.
ReplyDeleteOkay, okay. Who wants to be a competent writer?
I do.
Sigh...
I should have written 'I've cut my own cord off three times'.
I should have written 'They are bass-ackwards!'
P.S. to P.S. Better?
Thanks, Chris, for the thumbs up! That made my day!
ReplyDeletexx
Its Crooked Paws entries that forced me to try and bribe the judge..forgive me for I have sinned.
ReplyDeleteAli..US$5 is a good deal where I come from so whats your problem?
We forgive you, Trev. :o)
ReplyDeleteAnd yup, Crookedpaw is a worthy opponent, isn't he? Quick-witted, keen, obviously well-educated...
But sweetheart, you mustn't lose hope or become so desperate that you are willing to compromise your high moral standards. I'm a bit in awe of CP, myself, but surely there must be some weaknesses there? Surely, if I can't out-write or out-think him, I can still compete in other areas!
Perhaps I look better in heels. Maybe I surpass him when the need arises to catch a wild pig. Do I ride a horse with more skill, or kiss better than he does? How about arm wrestling? Perhaps I could pin his wrist to the table in three seconds flat. Maybe I'm a better public speaker, or a superior operator of heavy equipment.
I'll probably never know. But I am surrounded by gifted and intellectual men every day. I rub shoulders with doctors, lawyers, PhD's and IT execs. I have friends who are commercial pilots, military geniuses, corporate executives and self-made millionaires. But who am I?
I am Karen Bessey Pease, who has pulled herself up by her bootstraps and faced a frightening world head on. And you are Trev. My funny, off-color, rough-around-the-edges friend who always finds a way to make me grin (and to occasionally make me shudder! YOU are the reason, sir, that we bloggers have that little option of deleting comments! Hehehe.)
Nope, don't worry about Crookedpaw. Even though I don't know him, I have the feeling that he's a good sport. I intuitively feel such things, Trev. And I also know Ali g. He won't be swayed by a pretty face or a glib tongue.
Which means you still have a chance.
Hey! so you too!
ReplyDeleteI've also kissed a few wild pigs in my time too after pinning their wrists.
We must be kindred spirits
Hehehehe...
ReplyDeleteSee, Trev? You haven't got a thing to worry about!
Nice ass..pity about the head.
ReplyDeleteHullo, Guess. Should I thank you for the photo caption entry, or for the compliment to my butt?
ReplyDeleteOh, all right. Since my backkside isn't visible in the photo, I'll call it a contest entry. Darn it.
Ali g? Here's another one!
Hey Karen !
ReplyDeleteHow's about: "My trunk has such a cute head"
Hey, Dozy! Welcome to the cold north woods! That trunk (his name is Grandpa Maple) does have a cute head. (Wish you could see his all-knowing eyes!) He watches over the brook that runs by the house, and he's sheltered downy-headed woodpeckers in a small pocket-nest, dozens of chipmunks and squirrels, a raccoon and myriad small song birds. He even has a tree elf in residence. He's very old... I have a photo of my home that is ninety years old, and he was already taller than the roof of the house in 1920... and I hope he lasts for a long, long time!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the entry, and COME PLAY AGAIN. You can't enter too may times!
xx
Grandpa Maple sounds like just my kinda guy !!
ReplyDeleteDoes he have any relatives in Oz ?
Trying to think of some more entries but I am suffering from Brain Drain (and remember, I do have a hole in this ole' head so I can't strain/drain it too much....phht)
You know, that is a good question... DO you have maple trees in Australia? (You know woman, you're more suited to answering that question than I am. One of us lives there, and it isn't me! Snicker...)
ReplyDeleteSo, what would you do with a tree elf if you had one?
We probably do have maple trees in Oz but there's none out my way....
ReplyDeleteDon't know what to do with a tree elf (any suggestions?) but I once used to date a fellow who's nick-name was "squirrel"......
Hmmmm.
ReplyDeleteSquirrel, ay? I don't know quite what to make of that. Did he like nuts? Did his tail twitch? Could he stuff a large amount of food into his cheeks? Or did he have teeth that would grow if he didn't gnaw on something with regularity?
Please, enlighten me.
Snort!
I guess I don't have a comparable story, Dozy. I only dated two boys/men in my lifetime, and I married them both. (One at a time, of course.) Apparently, I'm irresistible and once a fellow has caught my attention, he simply can't bear to let me go...
I think this would be a good time for another SNORT!, don't you? Hehehehe.
He.
I think it may have been because he was "vertically challenged" and had a habit of stockpiling things - was as cute as a squirrel too.......
ReplyDeleteSnicker!
Geez... I had to sit here and think about that one... 'vertically challenged'. You mean he was diminutive? Small of stature? Not as tall as I am?
ReplyDeleteI'm married to a stockpiler, too. I don't find it the least bit cute, and equate it with a pack-rat rather than a squirrel.
'Honey, don't throw it away! Some day I'll fix it!'
Seriously, who needs seven woodstoves, each with a door or leg missing, in their barn? A barn that we don't heat?? We have three working lawn mowers... and four for parts. Wheelbarrows? Don't get me started. How about chainsaws?? I have one, he has two. No, three. Oops, four. Plus the fifty pound antique one that would NOT LOOK GREAT IN MY LIVING ROOM, thank you very much!!!! Out of the six, I think two of them actually run.
Oh, Dozy, I could go on and on. But I'll save it for Mr. Grumbles, next time I need to vent my spleen!
:o)>
Diminutive - you got it in a nutshell !
ReplyDeleteHe had such a large collection of 'old wares' (otherwise known as junk)squirreled away for a 'rainy day'.....phht!
Btw: I need a new wheelbarrow as mine has rusted out....
I had a girlfriend once who called me squirrel...no it wasn't just remembered she called me 'the rabbit'.
ReplyDeleteDo I even dare ask?...
ReplyDeleteHere in OZ we call guys wombats - maybe that has the same meaning as a rabbit.....?
ReplyDeleteTwev?
ReplyDeleteIs a wombat the same thing as a wascally wabbit?
A wombat is a creature that eats roots, shoots and leaves. Much like a bloke.
ReplyDelete(lascivious chortle)
You Aussies and your senses of humor!
ReplyDelete(Y'know, I was told that once, and I still don't quite get it. I'll have to do some research.)
Hey, Trev? Was it you who was trying to educate me on wombats?
Smiling at you, CP. :o)
Jawohl mein fraulien... she actually called me wombat to start with but the rooting and eating was so good I didn't leave for quite some time.
ReplyDeletetoo bloody tired to be honest.wtf
CP ....its eats , ROOTS and leaves,,not shoots
ReplyDeleteDon't let the side down now...
Now, boys...
ReplyDeleteThere is quite a distinction here. Does a wombat prefer the juicy, succulent shoots, or the stringy and tough roots? Or is the wombat similar to a pig, which will eat anything (except raw potatoes, which is a root, of course) that happens to be available for consumption, no matter whether it's from the top end or the bottom?
Does the integrity of Australia rest on whether or not the wombat eats shoots? And what about the kangaroo or the emu? Why do we not care what they consume? Will anyone chortle lasciviously if I call them a kookaburra?
Enquiring minds want to know. (Well, at least one enquiring minds wants to...)
Good morning from Up Above.
Kazza
dear me..KBP..please note the comma after eats...maybe Dozy can clarify for you.
ReplyDeleteI would of course attempt to explain but there are some things we gentlemen stay clear of...
Good grief! Aussies don't use commas to indicate a pause? There is a significance to multiple commas? I figured it was a typo... sometimes Twev's punctuation isn't all it's cracked up to be.
ReplyDeleteSigh. I guess I'll go see if Dozy is still awake. Now THERE'S a woman who knows her punctuation and grammar! (And no doubt, she's an expert on wombats, too.)
I'm awake here Karen - as Trev says it's all in the 'way' the term is expressed.....so look at it in this way :- A wombat EATS first then......(I'll let your imagination take it from there - snicker)
ReplyDeleteOkay... any time an explanation includes a 'snicker' and an exhortation to use my imagination, I get really nervous.
ReplyDeleteCan we talk about kangaroos, now? Or better yet, how about this?
Give me some more captions for those photos!!!
Wombat Ed 101! Heh... my education continues.
Oh alright then, I'll keep playing.....
ReplyDelete"Chainsaws Beware: Do NOT Touch - These Trunks Are Private Property!"
Ooh! Dozy!! That is very clever and punny!
ReplyDeleteHave you been hiding your light?
Thanks, friend. Don't stop now. You're on a roll!
And the winner, chosen by our very own captionistra, Ali g, is Crookedpaw, with this stellar entry:
ReplyDeleteThat's the last time I play Twister with Edward Scissorhands!
Congratulations, CP, and thanks for playing along. Your autographed copy of Grumble Bluff will be on its way shortly.
:o)>
Karen/Kazza/Me
Well I'm on my way .. thanks Karen for the directions to them..haha.. I think Ali g doesnt have enough sick humor.. I saw a ton funnier than that choice...(not funnier than mine of course...lol).. but pretty good ones.. maybe someday I can be the judge for you, I'm sure it wasn't easy either way..Till next time a Trantens I will go.. thanks for the fun
ReplyDeleteHey! I'll take you up on that! You be the judge for my next contest, and I'll give you a GB! How's that sound??? Fair? (Remember... you don't know what the contest will be...)
ReplyDeleteEvil laugh...
Crookedpaw walks across the stage to the microphone. A smattering of applause drifts up from the almost empty auditorium. An old man in the back row is snoring; loudly.
ReplyDelete‘Is this thing on?’ Crookedpaw gives the microphone a couple of solid taps with his finger. Feedback screeches around the room.
The old man in the back row jerks awake in mid-snore, starts coughing and spluttering. His companion pounds him on the back. ‘Are you okay, Wade?’ he asks.
Crookedpaw frantically searches his pockets for the drink coaster he has written some notes on; for just in case he won and needed to make an ACCEPTANCE speech. Just when he thinks he may have left it at the table, he finds it in his left trouser pocket. He reaches in and yanks the coaster out. Unfortunately, his watch band has snagged the lining of his pocket and that also comes out with the coaster. A handful of coins clatter to the floor. One rolls off the front of the stage. Crookedpaw briefly contemplates chasing the errant currency, but thinks if might be better if he ignore them and just get on with the speech.
The audience thinks so, too.
Crookedpaw leans toward the microphone, preparing to speak. He leans too close and hits the microphone with his teeth. It begins to totter. Crookedpaw grabs it to steady it. Once again feedback screeches around the room.
A baby starts to cry. Its mother, thankful for the distraction, quickly picks up the child and dashes from the auditorium.
Crookedpaw finally manages to stop the microphone stand from falling over. He makes to start speaking when he realises that he has dropped the coaster in all the kerfuffle. He bends down to pick it up. His head smacks into the microphone stand and it falls over. More feedback.
Karen, the emcee, stomps from the wings over to Crookedpaw. She nudges him to one side, bends down, picks up the microphone stand. With an angry thud, she sets it upright once more. She glares at Crookedpaw as she fixes the angle of the microphone. He gives her a wavy line smile as he reaches out to take hold of the microphone again. Karen slaps his hand. Crookedpaw tries to grab it again. Karen slaps his hand again.
Crookedpaw takes the hint. Karen stomps back to the wings.
‘Umm. Thank …thank you, Karen, for that wonderful introduction.’ He glances at the wings to ensure Karen isn’t coming back. Emboldened by the apparent absence of imminent threat, he clears his throat and finally begins his speech.
‘I’d like to take this opportunity' he says, peering at the scribble on the coaster, 'to thank all those involved in this project; to Karen for running the competition, and putting up such a marvellous prize; to Ali g for taking time off from his busy barbie and socialising schedule to judge the entries; to all my high school English teachers for giving me the tools required to take part in such an event; to the finance company that, all those years ago, saw fit to give me the money to buy my computer; to Microsoft for giving us access to the internet so that someone like myself can enter a competition on the other side of the world.’
Someone farts. Crookedpaw falters before he realises it was him: Nervous tension. He hopes the noise wasn’t picked up by the microphone.
‘And a very special thank you must go to the other contestants,’ he continues quickly, ‘worthy opponents who set an exacting benchmark. Trev, I thought for sure you would win with your timely warning on the dangers of giving head. The fact that you didn’t makes me suspect Ali g might have still been recovering from a social event, and his vision and judgement were somewhat impaired. Or he could have still been jet lagged from his recent sojourn to South Africa.’
Crookedpaw pauses for the laughter. There isn’t any. ‘Umm … well … I guess that’s all I have to say. Thank you, once again … thank you …’
He turns to leave. He sees Karen in the wings. Crookedpaw turns around and walks off in the other direction. Half-hearted applause floats up from the auditorium.
Wade is snoring again.
Crookedpaw! Hehehehe... that's a riot! (You know Wade, hmmm?)
ReplyDeleteThank you for that exceptional acceptance speech, and kudos to your English teachers, too! That was great!
'Kerfuffle', huh? Okay... back to the dictionary.
:o)>
Congrats, my friend. Your Grumble will be arriving soon.
Good speach CP.
ReplyDeleteTrev's stuff was OK too but I didn't pick him as he wont pay me back the $10 he owes me and every time he comes around to my place he drinks all my beer and tries to snog my wife.
Snog?? Please tell me that's not a four letter word...
ReplyDeleteIt's sort of kissing with a glazed and lustfull look in the eyes usually brought on by drinking all the host's beer
ReplyDeleteHahaha... serves me right for assuming!
ReplyDeleteSnog, ay? You tell that Trev to keeping his cotton-pickin' snogger to himself, else Lady C will smack him upside the head.
Hehehe... you boys and your shenanigans!
this is true
ReplyDelete