Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Chocolate Covered Bomos

It’s not easy being me.

I’m a bonehead. I love people, and yet, I get nervous around strangers and in crowds. Even when that crowd consists of people I know and love, I occasionally feel tense and edgy. But it’s not the people who cause me anxiety. I have no one to blame for that but myself.

I get nervous because I’m a bonehead.

History has proven that I cannot trust myself to be suave. To be cool, or witty, or sophisticated. For those of you who have a personal relationship with me, I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know. I simply can’t seem to help myself. Unless I am completely and totally alone, I cannot be trusted to escape saying or doing something ignorant. Something embarrassing.

My intentions are always good. I never mean to talk like an idiot. I never plan to let a naughty word slip. I never intend to insult anyone! But when I am nervous, my mouth has a mind of its own, and that mind isn’t mine! In fact, I sometimes wonder if I haven’t been possessed by a rogue psyche. Maybe Joan Rivers? Ugh.

I’ve been watching what I eat in an attempt to lose weight. That’s nothing new. What woman doesn’t want to lose a little excess poundage? Recently I’ve had some success, but I fall off the wagon frequently. One recent morning I stopped at Trantens’ Store for some candy to fill the dish at the office. As I walked past the chocolate covered peanuts, a bag jumped into my basket and before I knew it, I’d purchased it.

I put it in the pocket of my jacket. I had every intention of taking it home to my husband, who loves chocolate covered peanuts. Truly, I’ve never been a big fan of them. But I am a dieting woman. And I had a pocket full of chocolate. That is a force of nature beyond reckoning. Once I had that confection in my possession, there was no way in this world I was going to share one single little nut with Mr. Grumbles. They absolutely had to be gone before I reached home, where I might be tempted to share.

So, I ate them. The whole bag. For breakfast. Yum.

That was last week. That same day, after work, I went up the road to do a bit of target practicing. Two separate and completely different events–snacking on junk food and shooting at cans–conspired to set me up for my latest Bonehead Moment.

I was almost ready to leave the office yesterday when a stranger walked through the door. As always, I greeted him and we chatted as we got to know each other. It’s the Maine way. A stranger can walk into your life and a half an hour later, leave as your friend. How delightful.

This particular gentleman and I somehow began talking a bit about politics. That’s always enjoyable, and gets the blood flowing. I especially love it when my partner in conversation has views and opinions that differ from mine. Sometimes I learn a lot and can see an issue from a new perspective. And sometimes, I manage to bring my new acquaintance around to my way of thinking. What fun!

Since I had been preparing to leave the office, I had my jacket on. The fellow and I talked on and on; debating, agreeing, differing, laughing, commiserating. My concentration was on our animated conversation. That’s my only excuse. My hand was in my coat pocket, and I felt the presence of some stray chocolate covered peanuts that had obviously escaped the open bag and fallen loose into my pocket. A bonus, when I thought they were all gone! I scooped them up and popped them into my mouth.

I don’t know why I did that. I don’t usually eat in the middle of a conversation. At work. Standing in the middle of the lobby. In front of a stranger. But I did.

I chewed. I chewed again. Something wasn’t right. There was something wrong with the texture of one of the nuts. It was soft and squishy, but tough. And it refused to be chewed up.

And then it hit me. With my tongue I pushed the offending nut to the front of my mouth and plucked it from between my lips. I looked at it. I felt a wave of heat wash up my neck and over my face. I raised my eyes to my companion, who had stopped midsentence to stare in awe at this magnificent specimen of intelligence and sophistication standing before him.

I held in my hand a chocolate covered ear plug. A used chocolate covered ear plug. One that had been in MY EAR last week, as I fired away at a saw horse lined with a coffee can, a spray starch can, and a couple of 12 ounce Bud empties.

And I’d tried to eat it. Failed. Spit it out in front of a stranger. A stranger who was smart, and witty, and none too shabby looking, either.

Damn. Bonehead Moments. My specialty. I don’t think Bomos are contagious, but one never knows, really. The only thing I know for sure is that there is no cure for me. I’ve been afflicted with this particular brand of idiocy from childhood. It never gets better, and it never goes away. Sometimes it goes into remission, incubates, hibernates… storing up energy so that when I let it loose again, it is glorious, strong, and full of renewed vigor. Completely prepared to bring me to the depths of humiliation. If there’s one thing I’m really, really good at, it’s executing the perfect Bonehead Moment.

Aw, shucks. It’s nothing, really.

Yeah. Chocolate covered, once-used ear plugs. They’re not all they’re cracked up to be. In fact, they taste like chicken.


This is not a photo of chocolate-covered anything; really, it's not. It's just a picture for Ali g's perusal...

And this photo is of the rare Poo-birds found most often on the shores of Mooselookmeguntic Lake in the Rangeley Lakes region of western Maine (but visiting my desktop this evening...)


  1. Saw your comment on FB and had to come running to the GAG.. I knew something was gonna tickle me... You didnt let me down, laughed so hard I got into a coughing fit.. at least one of them was a good bonus for you, the second one was a bonus for the rest of us...thanks for the chuckle. Much needed on such a fridged day

  2. Hey Wade! I thought you might like that. Hehe. Sorry about the coughing fit, though. (I'll take that as a compliment, if I may...)

    So, tell me. What have you done that is comparable to eating used ear plugs in front of strangers? Come on... you're with a friend. I won't tell anybody!

  3. Too funny Karen Sounds like somthing my mother would do . Shes was always doing stuff like that and having a good laugh about it.Of corse I myself NEVER Would do anything like that . And if i did I never would tell.I did learn that working at the yard .lol Been reading your book (Wade you better shell out the dough your missing sounthing specal.) thunbs up Karen!!I ll give you a full review when im done ok. Had a Dr.s appt. today thought I would finsh reading it but wouldnt you know I got there and he took me right in , now how many times does that happen!? Well going to read and maybe take a nap .

  4. Hi Wallace.


    I've told you how much I loved your mother, haven't I? She was an incredible woman, and brought sunshine with her wherever she went. She was a great influence on me when I was growing up. I guess I rather like knowing that my bomo reminded you of her. Thank you for saying so.

    And of course, thank you for saying you are enjoying Grumble Bluff. I'd love to know your thoughts when you've finished (most particularly... did you cry? I've caught hell from several crusty old men who told me the story brought them to tears.)

    I also hope the story brought you a chuckle or two. That's what life is like, right? A mixture of the two.

    Hope you got those boils and carbuncles all taken care of, my friend!



    P.S. Have you ever read the poem, Bessey's Boil? It's hilarious. My brother Tom read it (with a VERY believable Scots accent) at my grandmother's 80th birthday party. A side-splitter! (I'm sure yours is not nearly as ugly as Bessey's!)

  5. I'll do some thinking and get back to you.. I don't know if I have eaten anything like that.. but I have cleared a room or 2 in my day that I have tried to keep a straight face, without much luck. Needless to say it was easy to figure out the culprit. Never was good at keepin a straight face, I like to laugh to much ....Does a body good

  6. Wade!!! I've just the outing for you! On Saturday night there is a community dinner and informational session on BIG WIND (the development slated for Highland) and guess what we're serving??? Yup!! Baked beans!!!! Heh.

    (I am so clever, I really am...)

    (Ah, that is what you were referring to, isn't it? Hehe. If not....bomo!)

  7. How about sending me a jar of chocolate covered earplugs?
    That'd surely get the Oz Customs boys and their sniffer puppy dogs confused.

  8. Hehehe. Ali g, I want to come down there some day, but if you keep getting me into trouble, I'll be stopped from ever stepping off the plane.

    First you ask me to send you raw potatoes (which were confiscated and destroyed, poor things!) and next, raw alpaca fur! You've no idea the number of things I really DID want to send you, but which were on that grouchy-sounding list Aussie Customs provided! (I have it tacked to the wall here next to my 'American Gothic Kitty' card, just to keep me in my proper place...

    Besides... you now know how that earplug got covered with chocolate. Not sure I'm up to the challenge of coating a whole jar full of them.

    Nope. I'm going to have to come up with something creative but not quite so... distasteful for inspection by the boys and their puppies.

    My grandmother makes some really cute earrings and necklaces out of moose poops. Would Lady Chatterly go for some Maine jewelry, do you think?

    (Hey, check back in a minute... I think I took a photo of a pile I wanted to pick up and save for Mammy. I'll post it up above and you can tell me if that's something that might be considered stylish Down Under!)

  9. well you certainly know how to make a boys day don't you. A picture of moose doo doo....thanks for that..I think...looks like a load of crap anyway.

  10. You know, shellacked, and with tiny beads and glitter glued on them, they really can be quite... not so doo doo looking.


    Trust me, Ali g. They're a gold mine. The folks from 'away' buy them like hot cakes! I wouldn't offer to send such a treasure to just anyone, you know.

    So... do you think the Customs pups would go on point (or whatever they do) if I mailed you some of those?

  11. If you sent some I'd have to go states evidence and tip them off.
    Moose poo I would say if not on their list specifically would most certainly be generally...
    And what pray tell does one do with shellacked & glued moose droppings or should I not ask?

  12. Ali g, I had to dig a little bit until I could find you an example of a re-purposed moose-poo. They're so popular it's almost impossible to keep a supply in the house!

    I've posted the photo I took up this above in the blog. These are western Maine Poo-birds from the shores of Mooselookmeguntic Lake by Rangeley. Tell me they aren't adorable!

  13. Hmmmm.

    If ever we should meet, please don't be offended when I won't shake hands.

    Actually, if you ever come come to Australia, you might need to use an alias. If you try sending moose pooh here, Customs would probably put your name on a list, and you could end up in quarantine for a couple of weeks.

  14. But CP, I would absolutely HAVE to shake your hand. Absolutely. How else can I tell the measure of a man but by the warmth of his handshake? Or by how directly he meets my eyes and the expression I see in them? Those first few seconds of connection set the stage for a lifetime.

    If we ever do meet, I promise I will have left all of my 93 year old grandmother's craft items at home where they belong, and will arrive on your shores freshly scrubbed and contraband-free.

    I just like to tease Ali g, that's all. There's no way in the world I'd send him anything on that list that Aussie Customs provided for my reading pleasure. As much as I like the idea of a two week, all expense paid vacation in the land of Oz, my pappy raised me right. He didn't have to do much, either. He simply said, 'As long as you never do anything that requires I come bail you out of jail, you'll be okay.'

    Good words to live by, hmmm?

  15. I checked out your poo-birds..didn't do it for me I'm afraid..they just look like turds with eyes ..icky
    And..moose poo smuggling is taken very seriously in Oz..if they caught you there'd be no bail I can assure you girly.

  16. Yeah, I guess I knew that, deep down. I remember reading in the papers and hearing on TV about the huge problem your government had a few years ago... that big influx of moose poo smuggling that was going on, and how you had to nip it in the butt. Or bud? Hehehe.

    Glad everything is under control, now. (And isn't it quite late, Down Under? What are Ali g's doing up and about?)