Thursday, May 27, 2010

Poem Contest!

It's once again time for me to make a complete idiot of myself in front of friends and strangers, alike. And since I like to spread the love around, I am inviting readers of Gag to enter a short-running poem contest. I am the "comedic entertainment" at the Big Wind Regatta at the incredible (and way swankier than I'm used to!) Harraseeket Inn in Freeport, Maine. And I would like to treat one of my GAG readers and their guest to a night out on the town! Mrs. Gray, owner of the Inn, is the generous sponsor of this fund-raiser, and she is a hostess without equal. Enter, and maybe you can come down to the town that's home to the world-famous LL Bean and hang out with the classy folks! And ME!!

Just write a short (or not) four line poem using the words "wind", "blow(s)" and "gust" and put it in the comments section of this blog posting. I will read them all, and love them all, I promise! But I will have someone in my family draw the winner out of my droopy straw hat... so your poetic skills aren't on the line, here. It will be the luck of the draw!

The contest ends in six days, so hurry up and enter! And if you are "from away" (or if you're already planning to attend) and want to try your hand at winning this poetry contest... I'll make sure you get a prize sent to you in the mail. How about a "Lexington, Maine" t-shirt and an autographed copy of Grumble Bluff? (Surely, not everyone in Australia and Scotland and Tennessee and Florida and Arizona has already read my book? It makes a great gift, and Christmas is right around the corner!)

So... get your poetic juices flowing! I don't have much free time to promote this contest, so please tell your friends!

Below, for the fun of it and because he deserves a bit of recognition for his talent and generosity, I'm pasting in photos of the birch bark and bitter-sweet-framed mirror Mr. Grumbles has built to auction off at the event. Just because... (it was sheer hell living here through the building of this! A perfectionist such as Mr. Grumbles is NEVER happy with what he creates! Much storming, stomping and grumbling went on. Just saying.... hehehe.)

All right... let me see a poem or two!


The finished product...

Top corner before the glass...

Curly little pieces of bitter-sweet...

The bottom arch with bitter-sweet... Pretty nifty, huh?


  1. If the winds don't blow
    Then the turbines won't go
    But if along comes a gust
    Hope the damn things go bust

  2. When the wind didn't blow
    And her legs didn't show
    With eyes full of lust
    The boys instead checked out Kazza's bust.

  3. Oh damn that sposed to be gust isn't it so add another line please on the bottom.
    'very much to her dis-gust'

  4. Snort!!!

    Hehehehe... ah, Trev. Always starting my day off with a smile. Tell you what... if the guys still "checked me out" I'd probably be tickled to death and not dis-gust-ed.

    Love the poem! (Can I keep it?)

  5. Hey, Ali g! Say... if you're the winner, wlll you come to the event? I'd give you a front row seat, and even buy you a "drinkie"! Maybe even two! (I've heard you get silly after two, so I'd probably have to shut you off.)

    And you and Lady Chatterly could stay with us at the Inn... we've got a room with a fireplace (yeah, it's June, but still), a jacuzzi and it sleeps four. (I'm hoping that means two beds, and not just one really, really big one...)

    Hehehe... thanks for the poem. And you even got the words right! Trev stumbled a little there, but then... the dear boy does his best.


    Love ya.

  6. Diane Carol Giroux PinkhamMay 28, 2010 at 9:29 AM

    "Send me a poem", my friend Karen does say.
    "You, too could be a guest of Nancy Gray."
    So I did, and now will a big gust of wind
    Kindly blow it her way?

  7. Well... it DID blow it my way!

    Hey, Diane! Thanks for being such a good sport... and so BRAVE! I'm tellin' ya, it's that easy!

    Thanks for the poem. It shall go in my hat, and if you're lucky, I'll see you and Dennis (I assume????) on the 5th!


  8. There once was a man from Nantucket.......

    No, that won't work.

    How about; There once was a man from Peru.....

    Nah, better foget that one, too.

    Oh, I got it;

    Big Wind continues to blow
    and the kickbacks, they do grow
    'cause the politicians, they must
    sell us all on the gust!

    Or, how about;

    Big Wind will gust and blow
    and talk about benefits you know.
    Apparently the only ones who matter
    are those whos pockets grow fatter!

    Sorry, I only know how to write 'dirty' poems! ;)

  9. Hey, hey! DC! Excellent! But I want to know about the guy from Peru. I haven't heard that one before! Are we taking Peru, Maine, or Peru, as in...where is that, anyway? South America? yeah, South America!

    There once was a man from Peru
    Who liked living where the wind blew.
    It gusted and whipped...
    from trees, leaves it ripped,
    Then onwards to Chile they flew.

    Aw, heck. It's off the cuff, you know!

  10. Kazza had a little lamb
    She got it from Nantucket
    And every time it jumped the fence
    The bulldog used to chase it

    There was a young man from Peru
    Who kept a three legged gnu
    but when the wind blew and gust
    The poor gnu hit the dust
    And said 'Damn turbines..I'll sue'

  11. A "gnu"??? A GNU??? Boy, where you from, anyhoo? A guh-new...hehehe.

    Love 'em, Trev! And hey... if you win, will YOU come up and have a meal and a night's entertainment on me? Huh? You'd be a blast!

    A guh-new... who knew? A man of the world...that's what you are.


  12. This comment has been removed by the author.

  13. I think that I will never go
    Anywhere that the wind doesn't blow
    Perhaps a chance or two I trust
    That frequently the wind does gust
    But what would make men ponder
    To put towers up yonder
    Their reasoning is flawed at best
    But they haven't met Karen with all her zest
    A tiger's tail they indeed have tweeked
    No turbines will show on those peaks!

  14. How about a guy from Nantucket......???? :-)

  15. Hey, woman! Ha! You'll show us how it's done!!
    I LOVE it!

    Big smiles! So.. we didn't do too well connecting this week, huh? Maybe I'll get to treat you and the Charles-Meister to a fancy dinner in Freeport! Will you/can you come if you win???

    That'd be a hoot! (Tell Charlie I wouldn't pick on him toooo much! Mr. Grumbles says I'm awfully hard on the dear man...)

    Thanks for entering. And tell Charlie I'd love to see what he could come up with (but have him use losts of asterisks, okay? This is a family show...hehehe)


  16. Here's the more than four lines version:

    Now, back to that man from Nantucket
    He was told, ‘Big Wind, we can’t duck it’
    But along came some friends, and a hand they did lend
    to open the window and chuck it!

    So the gusts blew up to Maine
    where the plan soon was plain
    To rape our mountains, and drain our tills
    this they would do
    with their giant wind mills

    They said, ‘those simple folks from the hills
    we’ll send among them some shills
    to decoy those dopes, who don’t know the ropes
    and help us pass through our bills’

    This they did try, but up went a cry
    from those simple folks, like I
    We said “NO WAY” to the offer
    when to us and others they did proffer
    to provide us with wind mills up high

    They came for the sacking
    but those boys we sent packing
    We sent them on their way, although to this day
    they’ve paid for political backing.

  17. Oh, dear me... I sense a trend. Who knew there was such passion on the wind?

    How about something a little lighter before bedtime?

    From Maine there came a hillbilly
    With gust-o he gobbled up chilli.
    His "wind" we call "farts"...
    So strong, curtains he parts!
    And away we all run willy-nilly!


    (The hillbilly is asleep behind me, so I think I'm safe...)

  18. there is no more eerie a sight
    than to see turbines blown by wind's might
    those big gusts cause sounds
    that continually rebound
    and cause many a long sleepless night

  19. Dozy!!!

    That is a great poem!!! See? See??? I knew you had it in you!

    Pffftt! Hiding your light under a bushel basket again!

    Hehehe... thanks, sweetie. Now, I've gotta ask you the same thing... if you win, what will it be? Dinner and a silly show with me, or a t-shirt and (another!) copy of Grumble Bluff?

    Think long and hard!


  20. Don't have to think about that at all - Dinner with you wins hands down anytime, and your show would be the icing on the cake !!
    (However there may be a slight problem with my actually getting there.......phht)
    Big hugs

  21. Aw, how long could it take? How expensive could it be? (Don't answer that!)

    But wow! How wonderful it would be if you COULD come! One of these days, Babe!


  22. That would be wonderful for sure !
    Where's your nearest airport ?
    (would probably cost a sh*t-load though....sigh)

    Good luck on 'The Night' next weekend !!


  23. The nearest airport to Freeport, where the dinner will be, is Portland Jetport. Closer to me by just a little bit is Bangor International Airport. My friend Larry from Queensland is arriving at that one next month... come on along!

  24. T’was the night after Freeport and the wind it did blow,
    Down the street by the sea where our Kaz did her show,
    And the cheers they still rang and the men they did gust,
    ‘We saw Kaz in her spandex! What a gal... what a bust!’

  25. Jack, have you been taking poetry lessons from Trev? Snicker...

    I sense a common theme, but as you know, I don't "do" spandex! Well, now wait...actually, that pink thing in the photo might be... but that's the most I ever show!

    With any luck, there will be cheers after my stand-up routine... but they may be cheers of relief that it's OVER!

    Thanks for playing, boy. Now I've definitely gotta get my American friends over here...right now it's 4-2 with the Aussie's in the lead!

    If your poem is drawn, I expect to see you and your lovely wife in the front row on the 5th. I'll make sure a bottle of good Glenlivet is delivered to your table!


  26. Oooh, the great Glenlivet! Hey - you said you did spandex all the time. Pfft.

    Actually, that's a highly edited rendition - wouldn't want to sully your blog with the uncut version. Besides, I could see an apparition on the horizon carrying an armful of writs :)

  27. I won't be able go to your show, but had to try anyway.. Never was good at poems or rhyming or here goes

    Angus thinks he knows
    how the wind does blow
    But if the wind doesn't gust
    Hopefully his company will go bust
    A shame we'll have to see
    the towers in the tree
    for the people will suffer
    without a good buffer

  28. Highly edited, hmmm? Heavens, no, don't sully GAG! That's MY job!


    Thanks for toning it down. I wouldn't want Mum to come after you with her yard stick! (Btw, that's a measuring device here in the states.... snicker. Where you from, anyway?)

    Heh.. :o)

  29. Hey, Wade! Thank goodness, a guy from the American team!!!

    That's an excellent poem! What are you talkin' about? It's obvious, you are a master poet!

    So... you're busy next Saturday night, huh? Wanda, too? Because she and a friend could come, if you win? And probably even have a good time, although I know it would be hard without your sunny face and gust-y belly laugh to add to the occasion.

    And, let's see. Since you SUCK at these contests, and you were too CHEAP to buy a copy of Grumble Bluff, I had to GIVE you one, didn't I? Hehehe... aw heck. Well, if you win, i'll make sure you get something nice... maybe the bottle of whiskey I'd have given my pal Jack if he'd won?

    I feel like I'm contributing to the delinquency of a minor...

    Big hug. Give one to Wanda, but remember the standard disclaimer... if you pinch her ass, it was YOUR idea, and not mine!

  30. Oh, and hey, Wade? Go get Wally over here, will ya? He's been conspicuously absent since the benefit dinner for Vicki... did you know he came to that? I wanted to introduce you... But he left (he said) before my little comedy thing because someone in his party wasn't feeling well. Personally, I think I scared him. He HAD volunteered to sit in the audience in his underwear, and I think he was afraid I'd actually make him!

    (Don't let it get out, but I really don't have that kind of power. When men strip to their skivvies in my presence, it is ALWAYS their own idea. I have nothing to do with it!)

    There. I think I have just eased Jack's mind. I actually DO sully my own blog! Snort... okay. I'm outa here before my mother shows up. I blame the full moon.

  31. A shallow book is just a gust,
    A breath of wind, a mote of dust.
    A book of worth is like a blow:
    A proper storm, a tornado.

    Good morning, the above poem was written by a new friend of mine, author Ian Roberts of England! What an excellent addition to our contest, and what a sweetheart of a man!

    Thanks, Ian!

    P.S. Oh, and hey... That pink thing in the photo above is SPANDEX! If I was a boy, do you think I'd be wearing THAT? (He thought I was a guy, guys! Hehehe. Those Brits!)


  32. The wind did blow with a lusty gust
    And rustled the spandex around Kazza's bust
    Poor Trev and Jack sat quite perplexed
    Then turned quite red and had to cross their legs

  33. Mrs. Grins (and smirks...)May 30, 2010 at 6:46 PM

    Trev... you are SO naughty!

    (Thank you for being naughty.)


  34. Geographically ChallengedMay 30, 2010 at 9:33 PM

    Ooh, my bad! Friend Ian is from Wales, not England. Wales, of course, is... near there. To the...(I'm thinking west, yes? Scotland up north, Wales to the west....yeah) west. One thing I know about Wales is that is has a "Bangor" just like Maine does! It's like we're related or something!

    Btw... I loved your poem. Thanks.

  35. Google 'Day Trip to Bangor song' and check out "Fiddlers Dram" singing it. A great song

  36. Daytripping to BangorMay 30, 2010 at 11:11 PM

    Thanks, Ali! Now that I have HS internet, I can actually do that! (Last time I tried, I got 2 seconds of song.... then 20 seconds of download, then 2 seconds of song, then 20 seconds of download... somehow, it lost something in the translation! hehe)

  37. Here's a link to the song

  38. Hey, thanks, Diane!!

    Have a great Memorial Day!


  39. "A four line poem", that's all she said.
    Yet those four words filled me with dread.

    Per the instructions "use wind,blow and gust".
    "But how do you rhyme those?" I muttered and cussed.

    "Just give it a try, write something down"
    I said to myself while wearing a frown.

    The turbines spin from wind that did gust,
    A scar on the mountainside, I hope they soon rust.

    Down from the mountains came a shrill high-pitched whine,
    Turning the blades on the ugly turbine.
    The wind she did blow, till I'd had quite enough,
    Screeching it's way down to Grumble Bluff.

    A poet I'm not, writing this was hard.
    Hope you keep those turbines out of your yard!

  40. Dory, you sweetheart! That was a GREAT poem!!! What a good sport, you are! Thank you so much! And if you win... hmmm. What would your preferred prize be? It's a bit of a commute to Freeport, isn't it? Heh... we'll work something out!

    I'm so glad you stopped by to play! You're the best!


  41. I can't compete with these poets I see
    their wind poems are twice the one from me
    I wished I could huff and puff and blow those turbines down
    but alas I too am discouraged and also have a frown
    don't give up and keep your heads high
    maybe the mighty wind will tip them out of our sky
    If the cards are played right
    they should be in no ones sight

    once is fun to participate your games..even if I did have to be given your book... but I did at least read it...which is another feat in itself
    have a great day

  42. Ha ha! Wade! Another excellent entry! And I know you read Grumble Bluff... because you said it made you, well... mufflefumped. (I am a genious when it comes to making grown men get all mufflefumped, you know!)

    And you know what else? We ARE gonna keep those blasted turbines off our mountaintops! Just you wait and see!

    Thanks for the entry. If you win and can't come to the dinner, and since you already have a copy of GB, how's about that whisky? Or are you a rum kinda guy? Vodka? Please don't say wine, because I'm not sure, but I've heard it said that wine is for sissies. (I just set myself up for a lot a flack, didn't I? Hehehe...)

    Thanks, sweetie. Give the missus a squeeze for me!

  43. And... WE HAVE A WINNER!

    Actually, my not-so-nimble-fingered teenager originally pulled THREE names at once from my droopy hat, but he lost his grip on "Jack" and he floated to the foor (sorry, Pal... so close, and yet, so far!)


    So, Master Grumbles handed me TWO names... and since I can't choose, I will award prizes to both.

    Diane Carol Pinkham is one winner-- YAY, Diane!
    You and the guest of your choice shall have dinner on me Saturday night, should you choose to come to the Harraseeket Inn in Freeport! There is a social hour from 5:30-6:30, then dinner, followed by a viewing of a new DVD (yours truly does some of the narration, so that's a thrill!) and then a short stand-up comedy routine (which I also narrate!) I hope you'll come... just tell the ladies at the door that you are my guests, and I'll pay your way in to supper! Congratulations, Diane!

    The second name stuck to the sticky fingers was Ian Roberts, who wrote a lovely poem about books. Well done, sir! I assume, since you live several thousand miles away, that you will NOT be coming to the coast of Maine for a supper on me. So! An autographed copy of Grumble Bluff and a t-shirt are on their ay to Wales... as soon as I have the proper mailing address. Jut email me at, and I'll get the package shipped on its way across the Pond!

    Thanks for playing, guys! Have a great day!