Saturday, June 19, 2010

Creative Cusses Contest

I love a good contest. I even love a horribly unfair contest! Witness how I was soundly trounced through unapologetic neoptism on Tony Park's blog last August! Ali g's entries were somewhat pathetic. Crooked Paw's were inventive... but a bit too cerebral for his own good. Dozy's were cute. Trin's... well. That girl has an attitude, and she is soooo competitive!

My entries were astounding. Hilarious. Top shelf. I cracked myself up!

But I lost to Ali g. What a load of BALONEY!

Hehehe... aw, I was happy that my good friend Ali g won. But it was obvious that TP was scared of me. My greatness intimidated him. He'd never imagined a Yank could be so sharp! Well, I guess he knows NOW!!!

Anyhoo, he instructed his ethical assistant to decide the winner (or so he said) and that winner just happened to be... Ali g. Can you imagine?? Pfft.

A star was born; for Ali g went on to win the next two contests he entered on GAG. And amazingly... TP had nothing to do with it. One was a random draw, and the other winner was chosen by my friend and neighbor--and she doesn't even READ my blog! (Did I say she was a friend? Hmmph!)

But I digress. What I'm here to announce is a new contest. The Creative Cusses Contest. We need to keep this site clean. After all, I have a reputation to live down... I mean, UPHOLD! I am the author of Young Adult fiction, and as such, I must set a good example. (Plus, let's not forget, there's always the chance my mother could read this...)

So, please come up with some creative ways of expressing yourself without using any of those traditional expletives we've grown accustomed to. Let's cuss without needing to use asterisks. Let's give someone holy old he!! without them having a clue what we're talking about. Let's vent our spleens and let it all out of our systems without insulting anyone. Let's save our offensiveness for our real lives, and not our virtual ones.

Does it sound like a plan? Wanna know what you'll win?


The winner will receive a bottle of homemade Dingleberry Wine and two wine glasses. Well, okay... two plastic cups. Hey, shipping is expensive, you know! And I'm into recycling, too. These plastic cups have been used a half dozen times already, and they're hardly worn out...

And if, by chance, it is one of my Aussie friends who wins, I'll just send you the plastic cups and the Dingleberry Wine recipe, okay? Because, you see... I'm on the Australian Customs 'Naughty List'. They still haven't forgiven me for the Spud Smuggling Debacle of 2009. There's no way I could mail a bottle of alcohol and get away with it. (Talk about uptight! Sheesh...)

No, seriously, if an Awesome Aussie wins, I'll order you a bottle of Oz's equivalent of Dingleberry Wine from the liquor store nearest you. And I'll still send you the plastic cups and recipe, too.

So... get those creative juices flowing! I wanna hear how you can insult someone without them ever knowing! I want to hear how you can describe certain actions or functions without giving a hint of what body parts might be involved. I want you to swear like a sailor... while sounding like an alter boy.

Contest ends on Independence Day, July 4th, 2010. Thanks for playing, and good luck.


  1. So, do you need an example or two to get you on your way? Start simple. Let me see... How about this?

    Well, that's a tin of bag balm if I ever saw one! (So... is that a GOOD thing, or not? They'll NEVER know!)

    Holy Henrietta on a houseboat!

    Judas H. Priest! (That's my personal favorite...or better yet: Judas Priest on a Pony!)

    You Dingleberry! (I sense a theme, here...)

    Holy guacamole, Batman!

    Frisk me!

    Okay... that's it for now. Let's see what YOU come up with!


    P.S. I will have a friend of mine choose the winner. Her name is Melinda, and I've only heard her say "Frisk me" once or twice in her life. She's very clean-mouthed. And yet... she loves me. How lucky am I?

  2. Hmmmn, how about "That is uglier than an undulating bucketful of Yak turds" ? or even "That person is a few sanwiches short of a picnic" ??

  3. "Undulating" "Yak turds"???

    I LOVE it! I've never seen yak turds, but if they undulate, you have me intriqued!

    Hehehe... just signing off to go to bed... big day tomorrow. WIll talk soon!

    Undulating... hehehe

  4. Then there's....

    You're confusing me with someone who gives a toss !

    Bite me !

    I see you're playing stupid again.....looks like you're winning too !

    Easy there Mr Testosterone - you CAN be replaced by a zuchhini !

    Please take a number & stick it...

    Did you eat a bowl of stupid for breakfast ?

    A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

    I'm smiling - that alone should scare you

  5. Don't think I'll bother with this one. I mean the equivelent in Oz of a bottle of 'dingleberry wine' would be a can of 'Roundup' which is a herbicide regularly used to kill off weeds.
    Already have a garage full of that stuff...but then if you could offer some rabbit poison instead I might just once more come up with one of my usual treasures and once again run away with the first prize.

  6. Let's play horse..I'll be the front end and you be yourself.

    Better at sex than all he needs is a partner.

    Do you want me to accept you as you are or do you want me to like you?

    She's got more chins than the Hong Kong phone book

    She's so fat her cars got stretch marks

    Whatever is eating you must be suffering horribly.

    I'd like to help you out..which way did you come in?

    She's so ugly her husband takes her everywhere with him so he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.

  7. Let's play be the door and I'll bang you.

    zucchini? can one take out the rubbish Dozy?

  8. Well! You've been busy while I was picking up my Aussie!

    Ali g... how lovely to 'see' you! That's just wonderful! :o)

    Now...your entries were WONDERFUL! But I still sense a common theme... and a person would have to deaf, dumb and blind not to know they were being insulted with some of those... Nah... even Helen Keller could figure it out!

    Hehehe.. you guys!

  9. Probably not Trev, but I've been doing the rubbish myself for years - that way the zucchini can be saved for better things...........(heheh)

    And another :

    "Leave me Alone - I'm not being rude, you're just insignificant"

    Hope you're having fun Karen !!

  10. Let's see, you say you don't want them to know they are being insulted? How about this one, a fovorite among Whitewater Guides;

    A.M.F. YO-YO ---- Roughly translates to -- Adios "My Friend," [or perhaps something not quite so polite] You're On Your Own!

    Usually shouted at a Flat who just did something stupid and now finds himself swimming in class 4 rapids! Also appropriate for anyone who has gotten themselves into trouble, and now expects you to save their sorry ass.

  11. Morning, DC! Thank you for the entry! However... I'm not sure you're old enough to drink Dingleberry Wine, should you win...



  12. I never win anything anyway. But I don't need your Dingleberry wine. I've still got some "Hillbilly Select" apple cider in the cellar! It's the good stuff too, aged two years in plastic milk jusg! [This kid got tired of being 'carded', so now I just make my own!]

    While we are on the subject of drinking; here are a few for your 'describe certain actions or functions without giving a hint of what body parts might be involved' catagory:

    My back teeth are floating.

    One more drink and I'll toss my cookies.

    He's out in the yard, selling Buick's.

    And for the fella who had too many beans along with his beer;

    Them barking spiders are at it again!

  13. OK I missed the bit about people not realising they were being insulted...was thinking more about deleting profanities.. but really ..what's the point of going to the trouble of insulting someone if they're not supposed to realise they're being insulted?

    Anyway....'his mother wears army boots' Oz army background helps with its meaning. .

    Now Dozy. re the zucchini..I'm afraid you have now surpassed Karen in the naughtiness a long shot...

  14. There's always;

    Holy Housecats!


    Look at the puss in them boots! [Is that an insult, or a compliment?]

    But I'm kinda with ali g, if you're going to the trouble of insulting someone, even if you're not swearing, they might as well know about it. In that vane I offer;

    That boy's dumber than a bag full of hammers!

    If brains were dynamite, he couldn't blow his nose!

    He's got a face like the south end of a north bound moose!

    Your village called; they want their idiot back!

    I'm not deaf, I'm just ignoring you!

    Did your parents have any children that lived?

    And perhaps my personal favorite---

    I'm not arogant, I'm just better than you!

  15. Hey, Ali! I guess the point is... we can vent without offending. HOWEVER, if we really WANT to offend someone (and sometimes that's a necessary evil) we should use our best ammo and let 'er rip! (But probably not on-line...)

    Regarding Dozy and her green thumb... I'm not sure what squash has to do with taking out the garbage or venting at another person, but if you can insult someone by saying they can be replaced by a zuchinni, it sounds good to me. How offensive is it to compare them to a butternut? Or an acorn squash? Ooh, or how about those awesome gourds with the big bumpy things all over them?

    However you look at it, there's no doubt that Dozy is much less constrained than I am. (I think that's why I love her. I can live vicariously though her...)

    Keep 'em coming! And hey? My kids' mother has been known to wear army boots. What am I missing?


    Tell me quick!

  16. Why DC! What happened to the sweet young man I've... well. I haven't raised you, have I? (I'll let your parents take some of the credit for the awesome qualiies you possess. And for ALL of the minute deviations from greatness that sometimes peek through...hehehe.)

    Those are great! Village Idiot... heh. I like it.


  17. well if I tell you what 'his mother wears army boots' means then you'll know that it's an insult. and that's not the point anymore is it? So now I can sit here and smirk knowing I've been insulting with the insultee not knowing that he /she has been insulted.
    'barking spiders' just love that one. it will become my new saying. thanks DC

  18. Hah! That means it works!! Wow! (However, my lovely friend, you aren't ever supposed to keep anything from me.) It appears I've shot myself in the (army boot clad) foot! Hoisted with my own petard! (What in the aitch-ee-double-ell does THAT mean, anyway? I gotta go look it up... Be right back...)

    Oh, brother! Did you know 'petard' was French for 'fart'? (Oops, sorry Mum... didn't mean to say that four letter word...)

    I think 'Hoisted with my own petard' is a saying which might qualify here. If, of course, one is ever looking to offend oneself without one knowing one was doing so...


  19. my friend who had her teeth repossessed is a mother who wears army boots.....

  20. Hey Ali G, When there's no dog around, and the seat doesn't squeak, you can always blame the Barking Spiders! They are so small, no one can ever tell when they might be around!

    And Karen; it's just camoflauge. Not that I don't appreciate having my young and inocent mind molded, but trust me, you don't want to take credit for anything I am, or might become! ;)

  21. Oh Ali g, I'm not naughty at all (giggle) it's just you & Trev who have naughty minds......
    As for zucchini, you haven't lived until you've stuffed one.................with savoury mince topped with grated cheese & baked slowly.....
    Sounds like you've come up with the perfect insult though - good for you !

    Trev, you're friend sounds 'interesting' - how does one manage to leave their teeth in a car, let alone have them repossessed ?

    Btw: I still have my army boots.....

    (Now I'm gonna go & prepare my vegie patch to make it ready for a crop of zucchini...)

  22. Have to ask Darren about that Dozy..but as I understand it she put them in the glovebox during a session with him in the back seat of her car and forgot to put them back in when she got home. . Got up next morning and lo & behold the car was gone. End of story. well we couldn't wheedle anything else from them about it....

    Now... suppose we shouldn't ask as to how you eat your zucchini...

    And your army you keep then in the cupboard next to those thigh high suede boots you use for special occasions?

  23. Hokey doke! You guys are incorrigible! :o)

    How did we go from inventing innocuous expletives to talk of zuchinnis, sessions in the back seat, thigh high suede boots and, and...

    Jumping Jehosaphat!

    Where's my nurse? I think it's time for my shot!

    Hehehe... love you guys!

  24. Oh Trev - how did you know that ? Of course they are sharing space with my thigh high suede boots, there's quite a few pairs of boots in there (I have a 'thing' for boots you know)all happily sharing space together.
    As to how I eat my zucchini - depends of if I've stuffed it...........or fried it, snicker.

    Still trying to get my head around your friends' repossessed teeth though - can't imagine anyone taking them out in the first place.....was it a special occasion ?

  25. Oh Dozy..I remember seeing your big boots in the cupboard that time you hid me in there...don't you remember?

    Darrell thought it was a special occasion.... still grinning he is....although he copped a few nasty sucks I hear.

  26. Okay. First, some education.

    A petard is an ancient, small bomb used to blow up gates and fortifications when storming the castle. The term is French, so I can see the analogy with a gaseous explosion between the legs.

    "Hoist by his own petard" was used by Shakespeare in Hamlet. Taken literally, it says, "lifted up by his own bomb". In other words, come undone by his own scheming.

    Though, I guess if the chili and beer was strong enough...

    Now a couple of invisible insults.

    His is the voice of equal opportunity: He believes every man is entitled to his opinion.

    I may not be perfect, but I'm the closest you'll ever get to it.

    Me, too.

    My most common ejaculation (watch the eyes pop with that one) is "Christ in a basket!". Don't ask me why he's in a basket. He just is.

    And Dozycow. Do I detect a hint of woman scorned there? And, if so, would that make you scorned beef?

    Was that a zucchini that just flew past my head?


  27. sorry that was Darren. Darrel didn't come along until well after the teeth had been repossessed.

  28. You could be right Crookedpaw - although scorned beef is one of my favourite foods (with a side dish of zucchini of course)....heheh
    I always did think though that a petard was a type of sword, but then again I'm not called Dozy for nothing.....however, wasn't it Moses found in a basket ? (Hence the phrase "Holy Moses")

    I just had new doors installed on my cupboard Trev - you were supposed to hide quietly, not run amuck amongst my boots.....

    Now all we need is Trin here to join the fun.....

    Meanwhile here are some more :-

    This person has delusions of adequacy.

    Got into the gene pool whilst the lifeguard wasn't looking.

    A prime candidate for natural de-selection.

  29. In my shipyard experance it just cant be done!

  30. Oh, brother! Wally, I have faith in you! Give it a try... I'll bet you can insult the hell out of me!

    Unless, of course, I intimidate you... ya sorry medley of pegamite chips!


  31. Helloooooo, CP. I wrote that 'hoisted by my own petard' just for you. I was hoping it would get you up here, and it did. (Hehehe, I am so, so good...)

    Did you know 'pumpernickel' bread is from the German for "Fart Devil"?

    ... you make me smile.

    My Quasi Aussie is here, and he said it's hard to buy pumpernickel bread in Oz, so he's eating it right up. He'll probably try to smuggle some past Aussie Customs, but if they know he's come right from me, he'll never get away with it.

    And hey.. I've now tried Bundaberg (sp?) rum and Vegemite. Aw.... geez. I could write a whole column on Vegemite.

    Anyway, I digress. Great entries! Keep em coming!

  32. your aftershaves I detect a hint of hircismus?

    you have a most jementous aura about you

    a slubberdegullion from way back

    a true helminth

    a most excerebrose person

    he's a clapperdudgeon and a true pygalgia


  33. Holy Smokes, he&#39;s doing it again!June 24, 2010 at 11:51 AM

    Now THAT'S what I'm talking about, Ali g!!!!

    You GO!!!

    Okay, gang... learn from the master! Don't give up yet!


    P.S. Hehehe... it's be a riot if you won AGAIN! Maybe CP will step in and trounce you, huh?

  34. If I did that, Ali g might think I was a bleeding pain in the bum, especially when I corrected his spelling of JUMENTOUS.

    Dieu me la donne, gare a qui la touche.


  35. Kazza la femme de la F.A.R.M.June 24, 2010 at 5:44 PM

    Alright, CP! ALL RIGHT!! What does touching God a la Bonaparte have to do with the high price of hemorrhoid suppositories?

    Judas Priest, lad... you really are a bit of a petard hoister, aren't you?

    Hey, Ali? Are you going to take that laying down? He called you something in FRENCH, and it sounded like a swear word, to me!



  36. have actually seen it splelt both ways cacafuego.
    for my prize a tin of bunny buggerer will do nicely thanks.

  37. Snickering in stocking feet...June 24, 2010 at 7:39 PM

    Snicker... what the devil is bunny biggerer? And is 'cacafuego' a Spanish swear word? If I had to translate, I'd say you were calling him 'Hot S**t". Hehehe....

    This is funny.


  38. Well, if what you are really looking for is just big words and foriegn phrases so that the less erudite amongst us don't know that they are being laughed at, I'll toss these in:

    Non semper ea suntquae videnture.


    Omne ignotum pro magnifico.

    Let the peasants chew on those for a while......

    And Ali G; around here our 'bunny buggerer' doesn't come in tins, but in cardboard. You can get a 25 round box of 12 gauge, or a 50, 100, or 500 round box of .22 Long Rifle for taking care of bunnies. The .22 is best applied by the still hunting method, while the 12 gauge loads work very well when you can enlist the help of a friendly little beagle to get the bunnies moving.

  39. a bunny buggerer in a tin would be a poison for buggering up bunnys...although if you could go to the extra expense you could swap that for a couple of DC's suggestions. definitely more effective and a much more fun..good one DC

    'Cacafuego' would also be a good word to describe our recently Oz deposed prime minister who has just had a 'Julius Caesar' act done on him by his own contemporaries and the 'loyal' madam Gillardtine who has now taken his place ...
    Kevvy [in his own words] got himself effectively ratf**cked by his own ratpack so to speak....

    Sort of got himself bunny buggered. a tin [or cardbpard box ] for madam Gillardtine could also be useful.
    sorry for bringing Oz politics into the blog but as the theme is for throwing out insults then it's sort of fitting...

  40. I feel for you Ali G, but if Austrailian Customs won't even let Kaz send a few potaoes, I'm sure they would really flip if I mailed you a few cardboard boxes full of "U.S.A. Bunny Buggerers"!

    Illegitimus non carborundum!

  41. You men are SUCH show offs!!!!

    Well, carpe diem to the whole lot of you! (That means 'buyer beware' to those readers who just quietly read... in awe of our naturally excessive intelligence.)


    Ali, you know me... I LOVE politics! I live and breathe POLITICS! (Huh???) So vent away! Let's get some GOOD people in the top spots, the whole world over... and then this old planet might stand a chance.

    Lignum Vitae, I say!

  42. true.. send money instead... I'll even put aside my vow of poverty.

  43. Can you easily exchange American cash down there? I just happened to have some pretty Aussie cash, which I sent to TP for a signed book (since I couldn't seem to WIN one... ahem!) but all I have left is a five dollar bill. Maybe Larry will exchange some for me in case I want to buy his next one...

    BTW, my quasi Aussie is SUCH a sweetheart!!! I could eat him right up! Are all you fellows Down Under affectionate and huggy-kissy-squeezy? If so, I'm moving down there. (After the Kazza Ban is lifted, of course...) I've got to get Larry to give Mr. Grumbles a tutorial on Aussie hugging...

  44. Buyer beware? And here I thought it meant "Sieze the carp"!

    Talk about a "Pons asinorum"!

  45. Silly boy! That's "Carpius Caesar"!

    And Ali g's hemorrhoid suppositories will take care of that other for you...

  46. I see we are flustering our most gracious hostess with all this latin. So how about this one, to quote to a fool who simply refuses to get out of the way:

    This is the grave of Mike O'Day
    Who died maintaining his right of way.
    His right was clear, his will was strong.
    But he's just as dead as if he'd been wrong.

    Does that one get the point across without having to use any *************?

  47. It's always a fun timehere at GAG boys and girls. And now I quote an old ditty.

    See the happy moron,
    He doesn't give a damn.
    I wish I were a moron-----
    My God, perhaps I am!

    Wait a minute----who are we supposed to be insulting again????????

    Well, when all else fails, we can take the advice of the old "Laugh In" TV show; "Look that one up in your Funk & Wagnell!"

  48. DC... I think I've infected you with my common affliction.... It's called 'entertaining myself'. Hehehehe... young fellows like you should be getting your rest. I want you to save some of that awesome creativity... it's still ten days until the 4th!

    Go to sleep, young Davey
    With long hair straight, not wavy.
    You'll have to be quite bravey...
    For they'll shave it in the Navy.

    Lord, lord... that one's pretty danged sad... snicker. Still, it's better than trying to rhyme with "Karen"

    Night, kiddo!

  49. there was once a man from Peru
    Whose limericks stopped at line two

  50. An eight word poem is still the norm.

  51. By the way... that's recited with a Maine accent so that it rhymes.

    Well, of COURSE it is!


  52. And the winner is: (Drum roll, please!)

    DOZYCOW, from New South Wales, Australia!


    The wining entry was: "He has delusions of adequacy."

    (Hey, I'm not the boss here, okay?)

    Second place goes to: (I don't believe it!) Ali g--for his insult: 'Do you want me to accept you as you are or do you want me to like you?'

    Holy smokes, that man is something else when it comes to contests!

    For the record, there WAS no prize for second place, but Miss Melinda is very persnickety and wanted to be sure to cover all the bases.

    So... Dozy dearest. WHAT A BUMMER! I soooo wanted you to try my dingleberry wine. It's just what you need to take your mind off zukes! So... did I say I'd send a Maine t-shirt? Tell me what your heart desires and it will be yours. I'd send you a bucket of dingleberries so you could make your own wine, but I have a feeling Customs would frown on that, too. (What do you think, Ali g? [he receives the contraband on the Aussie end, so he's up on all the latest rules about what is acceptable and what isn't...])


    Thanks for playing with me, guys. I'll try to incorporate some of your suggestions in my writings on GAG. Like 'dumber than a bag of hammers' and 'prime candidate for natural de-selection' and 'Christ in a basket'... hehehe.

    Love you gobs!