Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Smacking FRED: Laughter with a Friend

I just finished having a good, long laugh. And I really needed it, too. Sometimes, it’s easy to get bogged down… over-run with work and responsibilities and deadlines. When we need it most, we often don’t take the time to laugh.

I was working on three projects, at once. I was trying to post to my blog, Grumbles and Grins. I was writing a letter to a government agency. And I was trying to finish up a novel that I was writing in collaboration with four other authors. I am not a good multi-tasker… and my brain isn’t what it used to be, either. I consider myself lucky to be able to concentrate on one writing task at a time, and disaster usually occurs when I attempt to leap-frog back and forth. In the novel I was working on, my main character was aiming a revolver at an agent from the rogue organization, Thessalonians Five, and she was topless, too. (It’s a long story… I was trapped into that position by the writer who came before me, and there was NOTHING I could do!) But in my letter to the Augusta organization, I was the concerned citizen asking for an opportunity to speak to their Board of Directors. Heaven only knows what I was posting to GAG, but suffice it to say that if I hadn’t proof-read my letter to that venerable environmental organization, I would have been perceived as a crack pot. One does NOT discuss the effects of cold air on bare flesh when one is trying to be granted an interview! (Or does one? Never mind… I’ll try that next, maybe, if my first attempt doesn‘t work.)

Anyway, I was getting grumpy. I was getting stressed. And then, a notification popped onto my screen telling me that an email had arrived. I growled and gritted my teeth, sure that any email must be some new task, project, or assignment.

Luckily, I was wrong.

It was a note from Colleen, aka Dozy, from New South Wales, Australia. Dozy and I met on the blog of an Australian author who was having a ‘Name that Caption” contest. She popped over to GAG, commented on some of my stories, and then asked for advice about what to say at her son’s upcoming wedding. To make a long story short… I wrote her a poem to read at his reception after gathering tidbits of information from her about his life, his likes and dislikes, his idiosyncrasies and his hobbies. Due to that collaboration, a wonderful friendship was born.

Dozy’s note was full of passion; passion about the mundane chores which awaited her on her Sunday off. Clean the litter box. Take the pooper scooper to the back yard and clean up behind the dog. Hang out the wash as it was clouding in. “Exercise” her vacuum. Catch up on receipts and bills and invoices, and complete some dreaded work on FRED, her computer. Her note was peppered with ribald words which are usually filled with asterisks, if one is going to be bold enough to write them instead of mutter them under one’s breath. After reading Dozy’s accounting of her glamour-filled day, I began to feel better. It’s not just ME, I realized. Everyone has days when they’d rather stay in bed and pretend the sun never rose.

I read her words and felt her wry discontent. I thought about my own day. The pee spattered toilet seat I unwittingly sat on. The cat vomit left at the foot of the stairs, which three Peases walked past without ‘noticing’. The $75.00 it cost me to fill my truck. The slow internet when I was in a hurry, and the kids who were in a hurry when I was trying to work slowly and methodically. The embarrassing typo I hadn’t noticed before sending out a letter to the editor of the newspaper. (If it gets printed that way, rest assured that it was a “public” meeting I spoke at. Who ever thought an “L” was such a vital letter in the alphabet? After all, it only has a value of one point in Scrabble!)

Yes, I felt Dozy’s annoyance. It mirrored my own. And she had let loose with me; her friend. What a healthy way to deal with what rankles! Sharing angst with a friend is, absolutely, a sure-fire cure for what ails you.

I decided to give it a try, myself.

“Hey, Dozy! Smack FRED, will ya?”

“Consider FRED smacked!”

I could almost hear her palm hit the monitor from 10,000 miles away.

“Was it a good one? Give him one for me! With a baseball bat!”

“I don’t have a baseball bat, but I have a cricket bat! I’ll go get it!”

“You smack crickets, down there? We consider crickets to be lucky. I have an ‘office cricket’ that I’m very careful not to step on…”

“Nah, woman! I mean the ball game, cricket! I used to play when I was younger!”

Of course, discussing our advancing years brought another round of irritation, and we went on, bantering back and forth about the stone cold facts regarding the aging process. Not only were we venting and cheering each other up, but I learned something, too.

Apparently, going braless does NOT pull the wrinkles out of one’s face.

Hehehe… yeah. That woman can make me laugh. And you know something else? She never, ever has a typo! She’s one amazing fiend!

Oh, fine, Dozy! Be a stickler for the truth! THIS is my desk as of five minutes ago... how embarrassing. Hehehe. You're a brat, you know it? And I love you s**tloads!


  1. Oh Karen !

    As usual you brighten my day........chuckle !!!

    "FRED" (if he could)would surely be grinning too - and as for typos, I make plenty of them but I utilise my 'spell checker' to it's fullest capacity.......

    I have to say though that I'm still recovering from the pile of steaming turds (can I say that ?) that you emailed me - think I busted something from laughing......

    Go Girl - You're Wonderful !!!!!

    Btw: Do you actually do any work on that incredibly NEAT desk ? Mine is so covered in cr*p that just keeps growing (something reminscent of those steaming turds.....heheh)

  2. I can't believe you called me out on that! And after I saved your cricket from a beating, too!

    Fine! Go look up above! I just added a VERY recent pic!

    Pffft! (I can't get away with nuthin'...)

  3. Sorry babe, couldn't help myself (snicker)

    As for your desk, Hmmnnn - it's still looking way too neat & tidy....

    Btw: shouldn't you be asleep - go pee.....

  4. I always have to wait until you remind me...

    And I didn't show you the piles UNDER my desk! Ugh!

    Have a marvy evening Down Under.

    Biggest hugs!


  5. I guess life must be pretty well crappy [?] if it takes pictures of steaming poo to cheer you two sheilas up.
    And it doesn't really matter that going bra-less aint pulling the wrinkles out of your faces cause who's looking at faces when those puppies have been let out for a run ..?
    I mean really... gimme a break!
    and another thing please check the dunny seat before your next sitting ...I insist...please...

  6. Hey Ali g,

    Good to see you !!

    Yep, we're easily amused (simple girls at heart), as for Karen's "piles" under her desk - do you think she's saying it as 'no pun intended' or is she maybe referring to yet more crap....????? Snigger......

  7. was at the swimming pool the other day and this sheila's top came off...she was standing at the edge of the pool with her arms crossed redfaced and ducked down...
    I said 'If you're gonna drown those puppies, can I have the one with the pink nose?..
    she didn't think I was funny at all silly girl..

  8. This comment has been removed by the author.

  9. just as long as it's not being sat in Dozy...just as long as it's not being sat in..
    Trev..what happened to the other puppy?..
    Hope it found a good home..I'd take it in but Lady Chatterley here reckons one sick puppy is enough already for this household...

  10. Ali G - at our age they're not puppies - more like hound dogs, toothless hound dogs that is - well, sort of. Not really...but in about five years.... Haven't had much time to do any chatting - been busy sorting my upcoming holiday out - SA and England (that is South America not South Africa - saving that one for when I can go with friends. Start saving Dozy. Karen - you are funny - as is Alig G and the Doz. I ALWAYS get a laugh at TP's site - maybe I should visiting yours too. Trin

  11. Not sure why, but all this talk of sitting on piles kind of makes my eyes water.

    Dozys' computer is named FRED? Hoping that's short for FREDA or FREDERIKA, because computers are female.

    Yok yok yok.

  12. Hi Trin, you'll get plenty of laughs here too - Ali g and Trev (too clever for words those two) often crack me up with their comments & Karen is just brilliant !! (Would have been interesting I'm sure to have been able to read the comment that Ali g deleted)

    Hey CP - my FRED is most definitely a male & is short for F***ing Ridiculous Electronic Device......

  13. Hey Karen,
    Did you really mean it when you called me 'one amazing fiend' or was it maybe a typo ???
    (heheh - it took me a while to pick it out, I'm not too quick on the uptake these days)
    Have a good one !!

  14. Well, goodness! The (non) natives have been restless while I grabbed a couple of hours of sleep! How wonderful to see so many of my Aussie friends up here. All I'm missing is Jack and Pete... but Jack's on holiday, and Pete is... well. You know Pete! Likes to read my blog, but he's quite reticent online! Probably thinks he'll ruin his reputation on GAG, or something. Of course, that's ridiculous. He won't ruin his reputation... I will. :o)>

    So... Ali g...Lady Chatterly thinks one sick puppy is enough, huh? Hehehe... I think she's probably right. You're more than a handful, I'm sure! (I just did something really cute and evil with my eyebrows... sure wish you could have enjoyed the moment!)

    Trev...what can I say? You crack me up. Idiot man.

    Trin, I am so, so tickled to see you here on GAG! Please don't make it a one-time deal! We'd love for you to come play with us any time! The only uptight friend we ever get is (well, I'd better not name him, or he'll never come back), but the rest of us are pretty easy to take. Enjoy your trip! Wow... and I haven't even seen the U.S.!

    CP, how the heck are you, sweetheart? We've hardly heard a peep from you since you had your birthday and began your ascension into the realm of 'mature, distinguished, virile older man'. Good to know that even as you assume your role as patriarch and alpha male, you've still got time to visit here at the 45thN lat. (Missed you.)

    And Dozy. Dear Dozy. Why must you cause trouble everywhere you go? It's not enough that you've caused a mass migration of crickets as they hop north to less violent regions of Australia. Oh, no. In addition, you have to turn a heap of papers into hemorrhoids... and THEN, you didn't 'get' my (miserably failing) punchline at the end of the post. Hehehe... oh, okay. I'll let you off the hook this time. But ONLY because you had me gagging with laughter over than damned cat. You should write comedy for a living! Just not sure you could ever find a publisher to print it! Snort!

    And back to Ali g. I got to see the comment you deleted. You're too funny... A pilot friend of mine from Florida to whom I sold a couple hundred acres of forestland a few years ago sent me "Sarah" in the mail. Inside was a note, saying that her mother 'expected to be invited to the governor's ball'. Snicker. You guys are nuts, but I love you.

    You're probably all getting ready for bed, so I'll shut up. Have a good night's sleep, and don't forget to go pee.


  15. Virile? Maybe back in my twenties, when I had a body. And as for being an Alpha male, more like Omega male. After all, nice guys finish last, right?

    Nice to see you giving us blow-ins some latitude here in your comments.

    And I'm sorry, Dozy, but computers are uneqivocally female. Here's the proof.

    Computers are female because;

    • They may appear relatively easy to figure out, but they are really quite complicated.

    • They have a logic all their own.

    • They will tell you you're doing something wrong, but they won't tell you what. (The old "If you don't know, I'm not telling you" ploy)

    • They're quick to point out your mistakes.

    • They can recall something you said or did right down to the very second - even if it was ten years ago - and recite it word for word.

    • They put things away where you can't find them.

    • When you want to do something, they will ask, "Are you sure?"

    I'm sure there are a few other reasons, but I think I better quit while I'm ahead.

    Morning, all.

  16. Ooh! Crookedpaw! What makes you think you're ahead? You are in deep, deep doodoo!

    Hehehe. Excellent analogy! (We'll wait and see what Dozycow says, hmmm? Although I'm sure she'll CLEAN UP HER MOUTH for my quiet, prim and (mostly) serious blog!

    And hey! I prefer to think of you as a virile, alpha male. Since I've never met you, there's no harm in it, right? (Go with it, man! How often does a chance like this come along? Sheesh, I'm trying to help you, here...)

    I, of course, would love to fool you Aussies into thinking I'm vibrant and captivating. After all, 10,000 miles is about as far apart as two people can be. Maybe you'll never know the difference!

    Except for Larry, who's going to blow my whole charade out of the water! He arrives from Brisbane on Sunday. HELP! I'm convinced he's going to take one look at me in the airport, or hear my horrid voice, or witness me saying or doing something TOTALLY BONEHEADED, and turn tail and run back to Oz. (The very first thing I'm going to do is get us lost, you know. I don't have ANY IDEA how to get from the airport to where we're going. I'm doomed!)

    Oh, man. Now I've scared myself all over again.

    Hehehe... this is gonna be FUN! My first Aussie.

    Morning back atcha!


  17. Oh Crookedpaw - all day I have been racking my brain for some witty reply from my cleaned up mouth but can't seem to find one....
    However I still do disagree with you - all computers must be males BECAUSE I SAY SO (I am a woman & women are ALWAYS right & must have the last say......chuckle)
    Karen darling I did get your punchline - just not as quickly as I should have (blame the hole in my head, it slows me down at times...heheh)
    Larry is not gonna turn tail on Sunday, especially not when he hears you lovely voice, so just enjoy his visit.
    Have a fun day !!!

  18. I wish I was Larry.

    ) (

  19. Hullo, Anon.

    Thank you. What a lovely thing to say.

    And the artwork, well.... it's simply priceless.


  20. Hi Dozy. Wow!! THAT'S the way to give CP holy old hell! You really showed HIM!!!

    (Sheesh, woman! That's the best you've got? How embarrassing...)

    hehehe... I love you, sweetheart. But don't quit your day job, will ya?

  21. If they don't bite and snap when you try to pet them Trin then they're still puppies in my book..

  22. Aw, Ali g. That's sweet (kinda). Lady Chatterly is a lucky gal.


  23. that top pic...you just get out of bed or just about to get into it?
    If the latter could you use a nice hot water bottle?

  24. Aww Kaz, you said I had to use a 'clean mouth' so it really was the best I could come up with......heheh.

    Btw: did you notice that Ali g appears to have chopped off Claude's head in his last pic ??
    Must be all this talk about puppies that's distracted him.......

    Trev, you are priceless !

  25. Trev said:

    that top pic...you just get out of bed or just about to get into it?

    Kaz says: Come to think of it, it was taken shortly before bedtime... Monday night, I think. Maybe Sunday? If I need a photo, I have to wait until everyone is asleep, because 'getting' my picture taken embarrasses me. SO... I sneak a delay-timed pic under cover of darkness. (Shhhh...)

    Trev said:
    If the latter could you use a nice hot water bottle?

    Kaz says:
    Well, thank you, sweetheart. But you know... it's SUMMER up here. A hot water bottle would make me way too hot. I appreciate your concern, though! You're the best!


  26. Kazza Forgot to SIgn In...June 17, 2010 at 7:50 PM

    Hey, Dozy! I really cramped your style, didn't I? Hehehe... You know what's fun? Creating make-believe cusses... they sound ambiguous, but when said with feeling, they convey the message.

    Ooh! I think I just came up with my next GAG contest! Be back in a flash!

    Ha! See? What would I do without you?

  27. I knew I would be good for something finally : Will that mean I can 'unclean' my mouth again ?
    Sounds like fun....heheh
    PS : I used to have a boss who would say "Oh pink" & we would all keep well clear of him as it represented every cuss word known (and then some) which meant he was in a VERY bad mood....

  28. Probably just as well. The water bottle is pretty old anyway and tends to leak a bit when squeezed I've found...
    Could patch it I suppose but then it'd be like taking a shower wearing a raincoat and there wouldn't be much fun in that...

  29. Your hot water bottle sounds a bit like my bladder...

    What's it do when you laugh really hard?

  30. Gee, I wasn't thinking of bladders with Trev's comment!

    Kaz, you obviously haven't been doing your pelvic floors enough....
    My goodness, this is a lot more spirited that TP's site (unless we count the day we "ïntroduced" ourselves to each other Kaz - that was a fun day. And it is more obvious that we won't get "smacked" if we are naughty here...could be a bit of a problem. I must make sure I visit while sober. I definitely won't be a one-time visitor. Love to all familiar names - which seem to all have originated from TP's site anyway. Is this where we go when we want to be bad?

    PS: Who's Larry?

  31. Hey, Trin!

    The only naughty person on GAG is Dozy. (Well, there's Trev, but he's mypet, and I make allowances for him...) The rest of us are quite circumspect and chaste. We all work really hard to keep Dozy on the straight and narrow, but that girl's a challenge. (I think my life just flashed before my eyes!)

    The Pelvic Floor. That sounds like an excellent title for a novel! May I use it?

    And as far as the floor goes... Nowadays, once I get down there, it takes an hour, a pair of oxen, and a really good motivator (like chocolate) to get me up again. It ain't purty.

    Larry is a friend I met through another friend in Oz (who's the friend of one of your friends...ah, I think that's how it goes...)Anyway, he's coming to Maine for a visit, and I'm very excited about the prospect of meeting him. But nervous, too. :o) Remember, any stories he tells when he gets home are probably the result of an over-indulgence in good old Maine dingleberry wine.

    I hope you stop by often!

  32. maybe Dozy needs a hot water bottle then?
    Keep Larry away from that 'dingleberry' wine you very naughty girl.
    that stuff will really give him the pelvic floors and have him dragging his bum along the ground

  33. Ah, my friend! So you've had some experience with the potent dingleberry, hmmm?

    hehehehe... you make me smile.

  34. He might end up spinning on his tool!

  35. Dear Karen
    perhaps you should enlighten your Australian readers as to what a Maine 'dingleberry' actually is.

  36. CP, what an excellent memory you have! Hehehe... I actually used that and similar Bomos/typos in my most recent comedy event... the theme was: "And I Just Hit 'Send'"

    Yep, dingleberries are a risk. You've got to have a strong constitution when you're plucking them for your brew. Their odor is pungent, and they are fragile berries, too. They must be harvested with the utmost care, for they are ripe and ready to burst in your fingers.

    (Is that sufficient, Ali G? I'd hate to spoil the surprise!


  37. glad I'm 10,000 miles away in that case. hate to be there when your little surprise 'hits the fans'...
    You know you're a very wicked girl don't you and Dozy doesn't even come close to your level of naughtiness.
    Poor Larry...

  38. Still Don't know what a dingleberry is Ali G - Karen - maybe send me a private email to enlighten.

    CP, Ali G is not the only sick puppy, it seems that we are probably all a little not well.

    Doz - how different you are here to TP's site - are you schizophrenic (sp?)

    Ali G - glad to hear that any puppy is a good puppy as long as it doesn't have teeth

    And Kaz, when I first "met" Dozy she was prim and proper, so what happened????

  39. I MUST address the issue of our Dozy being prim and proper...

    Arrgghhh! I can't do it! This is a family show!!! Hehehe...

    Nah, for the most part, Ms. Dozycow is the perfect lady. (choke, strangle...) We just allow her to let down her hair once in awhile, here on GAG.

    Okay, please excuse me. I need to go to confession...

  40. Ali g, I know you've overindulged in the fabled dingleberry, so never fear... when you and your bride grace my home with YOUR presence, I shall roll out the best in homemade wines. How does rose hip wine sound? Or blackberry? I've a friend who makes some lovely pear wine, too.

    Only the best in (experiemntal, cheaply made and never aged) wines for one of my best peeps!

    Can't wait! :o)

  41. Trin..had a friend once who had her teeth repossessed [well she left them in her car actually and the car got repossessed] She then went around saying she couldn't bite much but could give it a pretty nasty suck...
    needledss to say she was in high demand down at the pub..

  42. Wow, and you all think I'm bad.....heheh
    Although I've never pretended to be 'prim & proper' I do try not to be too outrageous (at least not here in public)......

    This dingleberry wine really has me intigued though & Trev (as usual) has cracked me up yet again & thank you Ali g for sticking up for me - It's Karen's own naughtiness that sets me off you know......