Monday, November 23, 2009

The Urine Man (Title supplied by Shara)

I had a call the other day. It really was annoying.
It cast a pall upon a morn that I had been enjoying.
Quite busy and quite happy, I paid the office bills.
I’d finished building fire, to take away the chills.

I’d opened all the emails, and answered what I could.
And then I did delete the ones that scruples said I should.
The brochure I updated with listings that were new
To keep my clients happy, and satisfy my crew.

Then all at once, the peace I felt was shattered by a ring.
(Sometimes that blasted telephone can be a maddening thing!)
I picked up the receiver, and spoke a pleasant word.
And on the other end of it, a manly voice was heard.

‘I’d like to buy some property! Hello, there, little honey!
‘I want a parcel high and dry, with views! And I’ve got money!’
Well, money talks in real estate! I’d give this chap some time!
But calling strangers ‘honey’ made me think he might be slime.

But I am a professional. My temper must be curbed!
I never must let on when I am feeling quite perturbed.
I then extolled the virtues of a piece high on a hill
That had just what he wanted...the view was fit to kill!

And as we chatted, then I heard his footsteps on the floor.
But as his tread slowed down a bit, I heard the squeak of door.
At first, I did dismiss it. T’was movement of his feet!
But then I heard a noise that sounded like a toilet seat!!

Remember please, I’m not a child! For more than forty years
The sound of banging flush lid has echoed in my ears.
I’ve potty-trained two little boys. I tried to train my spouse!
Because I really do not like to have pee-spattered house!

My mouth, well it fell open! What was the gent to do?
Could he be taking me along to join him in the loo?
The man, he just kept talking…and then I heard a sound
Like splashing of a waterfall…it echoed all around!

The stream, it then abated. Became a little sprinkle.
What once was thunder in the hole had dwindled to a tinkle.
The visions there inside my head! The image I did see!
T’was not MY FAULT I pictured him then shaking off the pee!

My eardrums then detected the sound of toenails clicking…
In horror I commenced to hear a dog, from toilet licking!
The fellow spoke quite sharply, and sent the canine out…
Someone would get a pee-lick, of that there was no doubt!

My bathroom-mate, he paused his talk, and gave the thing a flush,
My mind’s eye witnessed swirling pee descending with a rush.
I felt a little nauseous, my face commenced to frown.
And then I heard the banging of the toilet seat go down.

By now, I was involved in this. Co-peeing made a link!
I waited on the telephone for him to use the sink!
But no! This nasty fellow, who made me hear him piddle
Washed not that hand with which his little wiener he had fiddled.

This really was too much to ask! T’was not my job description
To go to take a leak with him! There loomed a big conniption!
I didn’t care to sell to him! This buyer was a jerk!
I never had signed up for this when heading off to work!

I wanted then to cuss at him. I wanted him to squirm.
I had the urge to warm his ass, the slimy little worm!
But I am quite professional, and that was not to be.
Besides, that sound of tinkling? It made me have to pee!

The photo is of the downstairs bathroom that was in our house when we bought it. We were very glad there was not an upstairs bathroom...


  1. OMG - I am laughing SO HARD!!!!!!! I have tears in my eyes!!!!! This is hilarious. I think I'll need to print and save - so I can read back any time I'm having a bad day.

    On another note - you are quite the brilliant writer. Kudos on your Ode to the Urine Man.

  2. Hi Shara!

    Thank you so much! I'm glad you enjoyed it. If you hadn't 'named' him, I might not have gotten the urge to memorialize the experience in this way...

    Can't wait until he shows up at the office and wants to shake my hand...


    Come back any time, and happy Thanksgiving!


  3. maybe he didn't need to wash his hands as his puppy licked them clean for him.

  4. Haha! Trev! It seems you have some insight here!

    Thank you for your contribution...I now have a new image burned into my mind's eye! You are probably right, but it brings meback to that age-old question about men...

    Where do you COME from????

    Snort! Have a happy Thanksgiving (if you celebrate that holiday????)