Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Calling All Non-Lewd, Non-Bawdy Friends!!!


I’ll be performing a little bit of stand-up comedy on April 10th at Carrabec High School in North Anson. A neighbor is battling cancer, and as often happens in Maine’s small rural communities, friends and family are gathering ‘round to offer emotional and financial support. When the folks organizing this benefit supper called and asked me if I would entertain the troops after the meal, I said ‘yes’. Of course I did.

I was calm, cool and collected. I had no worries. They were only asking for a half-hour’s worth of humor. No prob! Surely, that would be a piece of cake!

And then, it hit me. This was a community dinner. An event that families were coming out for. And families most often include… children.

Holy smokes. Children. Kids. Rug-rats, ankle-biters! Oh, no!!!


Please understand, it’s not that I don’t like kids: I do! I speak to tweens and teens in schools all the time, and I’ve raised three children of my own. Kids don’t intimidate me in the least, and I occasionally even enjoy their company. Really! Honest! I mean, I can, if I have to... But I am being asked to perform my particular brand of comedy at a benefit supper, and I’ve got to tell you… I am not ‘G’ rated!

This is a catastrophe in the making! You may just witness me self-destruct!

Oh, I have no doubt that children are sophisticated, nowadays, and probably anything I could say would be less offensive than what they hear on television or say themselves when amongst their peers. But the problem is, their parents will be in the audience, too! And I certainly do not want to get on the wrong side of some righteously indignant mothers and fathers!

So, I can’t relate the tale of the wet t-shirt contest gone dry. I can’t tell the story about the horny moose. Or the horny Corgi. Or the naked customer. I can’t relive the bonehead moment about my cleavage, or the one about my pantyhose and the errant bit of toilet tissue. Gone is the story about the Jehovah’s Witnesses, and the tale of the x-rated tool belt. I must keep silent concerning the f-bomb and the accidental pot plant. No one will be regaled by the tale of my encounter with strippers, or of broken dungaree zippers.

Help…

Seriously... HELP!!!

I need some ideas, here! I need people with minds uncorrupted by the earthiness that seems to have invaded my own to give me some clean material. I know it exists. I mean, I couldn’t have always had a bawdy sense of humor, right? Clearly, there must have been a time when I told jokes that were as pure as the new fallen snow. Funny stories which were inoffensive and mild? Surely, I wasn’t always this…this…

Damn. I’ve got nothing.

Okay. Desperate times call for desperate measures. It’s time for another contest. Readers of Grumbles and Grins have never let me down, yet!

Calling all purveyors of jolly jokes, innocent idioms, witty witticisms and quirky quips! I’ll even entertain some amusing anecdotes! Some tall tales! Anything, as long as the telling of it will not get me run out of town on a rail by irate parents!

How about this idea? For every innocuous joke or inoffensive narrative I receive that I deem useable in my performance, I will donate $2.00 to the fund for the family we are benefitting. I have to put a cap on it of 25 jokes or $50.00, but I would dearly love to reach that goal!

What do you say, my friends? It’s for a good cause—none better—and you will be helping to spread laughter and hope. Just write your ditties in the ‘comments’ sections below, and I’ll see what I can do with them. Does that sound like a plan? Yeah?? All right!!

Now the questions is… do I have any friends who aren’t bawdy and lewd? Heh… Come on, folks. Dig deep!

And thanks, from the bottom of my heart.

50 comments:

  1. Hey - those them thar baboons could be the very same Blair Drummond babs that ripped hell out of an old Vauxhall Cresta owned by a friend of mine way back in...

    Uh, well, not this century, that's for sure...Nup, those particleear baboons would be loooong gone, I suppose.

    'Have unwitting subject's antenna, as discussed. Now, let's run like hell towards those trees and show off our delightful pink butts as we go...'

    Non-lewd, you say? Non-bawdy?

    All the best with THAT one, Kaz!

    --Jack(Lewd'n'Bawdy)Ramsay

    PS - Stevie has his eye on the mistletoe above you. Just saying, in case you wanted to stock up on mint or stuff, and brush up your lippy.

    PPS - I read a damned fine article in the Irregular last week that could-maybe-possibly be adapted for stage presentation, with a small bribe or two to the appropriate teenaged sources to keep 'em quiet. Just a thought.

    Gone.

    -- J(L'n'B)R

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  2. Hey, Jack! You're partially to blame, here, for my current conundrum... I learned from the master. (Thanks for that, Pal.)

    I'm still getting scowls from two teenagers for putting that little taste of 'home' in the newspaper... and young Master Pease will probably never forgive me for adding the photo to the story. Hehehe. I've been imagining the eulogies they might give me, some day- and cringing.

    I'm a bit bewildered... I really AM having a hard time thinking up age-appropriate comedy. But there's no panic, right? I've got TWO WEEKS!

    My only assistance so far has come from Ali g, who gave me this tidbit: Said one flea on the curb to another, 'Do you want to walk, or catch a dog?'

    I'm gonna die... spontaneous combustion.

    HELP!!!!

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  3. horny moose? haven't heard that one or is he the one that chased you that time?

    ReplyDelete
  4. Oh and..
    definition of a skunk?
    a fart wearing a Davy Crockett hat.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Aha! Trev... that just might be good for two bucks donated towards a worthy cause. But the question is: CAN I SAY 'FART'? See... MY mother still won't let me say it. I have to say something like 'breaking wind' or 'passing air'...hahahaha. OMG, that's too funny. Hehehe

    Anyhoo, can I actually say 'fart' in mixed company without getting parents riled at me? Surely there are one or two other mothers out there like mine???

    Hehehe. (I love you Mum. Honest. It's just... oh, never mind!)

    As far as the horny moose goes... that'll be up here on GAG some day soon. I have a lot of catching up to do, that's for sure. My life hasn't been my own for a while now, but I'm working on getting another hour or two added to the day, so be patient, Trev. Keep checking in, okay? And thanks for the joke. Hehehe.

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  6. Trev's synonym departmentMarch 24, 2010 at 2:41 PM

    fart.....to cough in one's rompers.
    so skunk...a cough in the rompers wearing a Davy Crockett hat...

    ReplyDelete
  7. Ha!!!

    I like it! It's a bit 'empire', as we Yanks call rompers by other names (and don't make me go there, okay, Trev?) but it has a certain 'je ne sais quoi'.

    Hehehe. I've gotta try that one out on my mother!!!

    Thanks, friend!

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  8. Here is a good one...still not sure if for kids though.. they might get it...lol


    An Irish man went to confession in St.Patrick's Catholic Church..

    'Father', he
    confessed, 'it has been one month
    since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie
    Green twice last month.'

    The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

    Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional.

    'Father, it has been two months since my last
    confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'

    This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'

    'A new woman in the neighborhood,'the sinner replied.

    'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.

    At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary.
    The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest.
    Her dress was green and very short, and she
    wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

    The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart,
    but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.

    The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'

    The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.

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  9. WADE!!!!!

    You wanna see me fry, don't you??? Because I have this problem...

    I just can't help myself, sometimes!!! The harder I try to NOT say something, the better the chances are that I'll say it!

    Oh, man... you just watch! I'll probably say it to a priest!

    Hehehe. Go away, now!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Paddy & Sean were selling cabbages off the back of their truck on the side of Spruce Pond Road.
    They were buying them for a dollar and selling them for a dollar....
    Paddy turns to Sean and says...'We're not making much money are we?'
    Sean says..'Nah guess we'll have to get a bigger frigging truck' ['f' word toned down for G rating requirements]

    ReplyDelete
  11. Oh, man...

    And I was sitting here thinking, 'Yeah. A bigger truck would work!'

    So says the girl who's 1/4 Irish...

    Hehehe... thanks Ali g. Good for two bucks! But... I think the only 'F' word my mother would deem acceptable in that joke is 'Ford'.

    ReplyDelete
  12. P.S. For everyone's information, the magnificent, magnanimous and magnetic Ali g has provided me with FIFTY one-liners!! They wouldn' fit here in the comments section, but as always, this wonderful friend came through for me!

    Fifty bucks will be added to the pot on 4/10... but please don't let that discourage you. I'd love more suggestions! If I don't use them in two weeks (and I don't totally BOMB) I can always use them at another charity event.

    Thanks, all. And especially, thanks Ali g.

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  13. doesn't surprise me..he's such a crawler ..

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  14. Okay, Trev. You're going to have to clue me in, here. I have no idea what a 'crawler' is.

    It's a compliment, right?

    Right?

    'Cause we're talking 'Ali g' here...

    ReplyDelete
  15. AMNESIA: A condition which allows women who have experienced childbirth to have sex again.

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  16. Howdy CP! Nice to see you up here at the 45th lat!

    :o)>

    I love the daffy definition... but I'm not even sure I can say 'sex' in a "G-rated" audience.

    I suspect you, like most of my friends, are having a hard time with this concept of "clean" humor. I wonder what that says about us? (That we're a hell of a good time? Ahem... I mean, a HECK of a good time!)

    Care to try again? I have faith in you, brother! You can do it!

    snicker...

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  17. There was once two little children having a bath together.
    The little boy started waggling his willy and said "I've got one of these & you don't" to the little girl.
    The little girl promptly replied "No I don't, I've got one of these instead & with one of these I can get as many of those as I want !"

    Sorry Kaz - I just couldn't help myself.....

    Good luck !!

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  18. Dozy!!!!

    DOZY!!!

    (Nice to see the real Dozy come out and play, once in awhile!)

    Hehehe. My friends are AWESOME! I ask for clean jokes, and they do exactly what I would do... the direct opposite!!!

    We're HOPELESS! And damned proud of it! (I mean 'darned' proud of it...)

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  19. Yes Karen - sometimes they let me out to play (but not very often)

    PS: Then there's the one where "Priscilla perceived Percy Piper passing down the passage with his 'piece' poking through a piece of paper" but I won't go into detail there........(probably wouldn't be appropriate)
    Snicker......

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  20. Hey !!

    I just remembered a clean one....

    Paddy was digging holes in his front yard when his friend Mick came along.
    Mick said "Hey Paddy, what are you doing ?" to which Paddy relied "Oh Mick, my dog died & now I'm digging a hole to bury him"
    Mick said "Oh no Paddy, that's so sad. But why have you dug so many holes ?"
    Paddy said "That's because the first eight weren't big enough"

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  21. trev's synonym department once againMarch 26, 2010 at 5:04 AM

    a crawler ...a cringy type of person who sucks up to his/her betters.
    also usually hides the beer when you come to visit...

    ReplyDelete
  22. Aw, Trev! And I was SURE 'crawler' was a compliment! You aren't still sore because Ali g wouldn't take your (very small) bride a while back when you were trying to win the 'Name that photo' contest, are you?

    I want you to play nice, now.

    Oooooh! Does that mean you think Ali g thinks I'm one of his 'betters'? No way, sport. Ali g is one of the BEST! (And he knows I'm a bonehead, so there's that...)

    Nah, he was just being helpful. Little does he know, I'm going to tell a story about HIM at the benefit show. It'll be mildly exaggerated, of course, because he's really not all that funny...

    hehehe...

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  23. Oops, meant 'bribe'... hahaha.

    'Take my bride. Please!'

    hehehe

    Bomo, ala Kazza

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  24. you were right the first time.. I offered him my bride but he said if she's not good enough for all the boys down at the pub then she wasn't good enough for him either.

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  25. Snicker... I should have known you'd have a come-back on that one!

    Hehehe... thanks, Trev. I just finished writing a commentary based on the US Department of the Interior's 'Guidelines for Building and Operating Wind Energy Facilities in Maine'... and after reading about the large number of bird and bat mortalities, couldn't decide whether to cry, or throw a temper tantrum. Up you popped, and gave me a giggle, instead.

    Thank you, sir.

    Now! Go apologize to your bride!

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  26. she offered her honour and he honoured her offer and all night long he was on her and off her...

    ReplyDelete
  27. Okay. Grab a cuppa and settle back.

    Bromides To Live By.

    ♥ Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
    ♦ A day without sunshine is like night.
    ♣ On the other hand, you have diferent fingers.
    ♠ I got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
    ♥ 42.7 percent of all statistics are made on the spot.
    ♦ 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
    ♣ I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
    ♠ You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
    ♥ Honk if you love peace and quiet.
    ♦ Remember half the people you know are below average.
    ♣ Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
    ♠ Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
    ♥ He who laughs last thinks slowest.
    ♦ Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
    ♣ Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
    ♠ The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
    ♥ I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
    ♦ I intend to live forever — so far so good.
    ♣ Borrow money from a pessimist — they don't expect it back.
    ♠ If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
    ♥ Quantum mechanics: the dreams stuff are made of.
    ♦ The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
    ♣ Support bacteria — they're the only culture some people have.
    ♠ When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
    ♥ If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
    ♦ A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
    ♣ Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
    ♠ For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
    ♥ Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
    ♦ Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
    ♣ No one is listening until you make a mistake.
    ♠ Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
    ♥ The colder the x-ray table,the more of your body is required upon it.
    ♦ The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of bread.
    ♣ The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
    ♠ To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
    ♥ To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
    ♦ Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.
    ♣ You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
    ♠ Two wrongs are only the beginning.
    ♥ The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
    ♦ The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
    ♣ A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
    ♠ Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
    ♥ Get a new car for your spouse — it'll be a great trade.
    ♦ Plan to be spontaneous — tomorrow.
    ♣ Always try to be modest and be proud of it.
    ♠ Love may be blind but marriage is real eye-opener.
    ♥ If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.

    Cheers

    ReplyDelete
  28. Oh, CP! I read these last night and so wanted to reply... like Ali g, you went above and beyond, and that simply has to be good for another $50.00 to the pot on the night of the benefit. Thank you so much.

    I ended up working all night... until 4:30, anyway. And my feeble brain was not able to write a response. In fact, I kept clicking back over here to read "Quantum mechanics: the dreams stuff are made of" and I'd think, "But what does it mean???"

    Hehehe... aw, sweets. Thanks for the great one-liners. Between you and your fellow Aussie, you've given me loads of material to work from... and a soft and mushy feeling. And a warm glow...

    Can you see it from down there? Look north to the 45th, and west to around 70 degrees, and here I am. Glowing. Warmly.

    Smiles, CP. Thanks.
    Kaz

    P.S. Still don't get the quantum mechanics bit. Heh... I'm hopeless.

    ReplyDelete
  29. A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender
    "how much for a beer?" to which the bartender replies "for you, no charge"

    ReplyDelete
  30. Hey, Dory! Welcome to GAG, and thank you so much for leaving a comment! And you are right on target... I can't find a single offensive thing about that joke... except maybe the beer part. I suppose I shouldn't advocate going into a bar and ordering a beer when speaking to families with children. hehehe...what am I gonna do?

    Lordy... this is hard. I think I may just have to tell parents that I'm going to be 'me' and then let them decide whether or not to let their kids stay.

    Geez, the potential for bonehead moments is enormous...

    Heh... it'll be a blast. And Dory, please pop in any time!

    ReplyDelete
  31. Over The MountainApril 1, 2010 at 8:56 PM

    I'm sure you'll do great at the show, and if not, well, I haven't seen an old fashioned fence rail around here in a long time, so they'll probably just burn you at the stake.

    Remember, they say insanity is hereditary, you get it from your kids!

    And remember what Walt Disney always said: "It's kind of fun to do the impossible!"

    Good luck!

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  32. Hey, Over the Mountain! Thanks for the words of... encouragement? Well, everything except the burning at the stake bit. Hehe...

    Now, you have me wondering who you are. I'm pretty good at seeing speech patterns in people's writing (except for a MAJOR screw up with Crookedpaw, once! Holy smokes... I thought he was someone else, and boy, did I make a fool of myself with him! Hehehe... poor CP! It's a wonder he ever came back!)

    So... my reasoning side says you are my buddy, D.C.-- one of my newest friends on this green earth. But I'm not betting The F.A.R.M. on it, for I am a woman who learns from her mistakes. It rarely takes me more than three or four repeat Bomos ('bonehead moments', since you're new here...)before I change tactics!

    I hope, if you can, (and you aren't in Scotland or Australia) you'll come to the benefit supper. I'm still looking for one or two more volunteers to sit in the audience in their underwear to help keep me focussed... We don't want Wally to feel lonely, after all. He's making a great sacrifice for the cause!

    So... boxers, or briefs?

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  33. DC Over The MountainApril 1, 2010 at 9:58 PM

    Yup, it is none other than I, your friend from the other side of Spruce Pond. Haven't had a chance to check it out before, but this is a nice site you've got yourself here.

    I'm going to be at UMF all day the 10th for a M.A.T.C. meeting [I'm sure wind will be a big topic there!], and I probably won't get back in time for the supper, but I'll try.

    As for "boxers, or briefs", well, it's not really that I'm all that modest, but I assume you do want the audience to stick around for your show, and not run screaming into the night, so I think we should just let that idea pass for now!

    Oh, and you don't know how hard it was for me to hold back and not offer you some sugestions like your friends from across the water did. But, alas, I don't really wish to see you stoned by the good people of North Anson, so I won't fill your head with more Irish tales that might come out at the wrong moment........ At least, not yet!

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  34. Hehehe... hi, DC. (I just knew it was you!)

    Yeah, it's probably a good idea NOT to give me anything else to bury myself with. I'm easily led astraym you know.

    Did you read the EXCELLENT written review the MATC passed into LURC yesterday?? If not, you should email me and I'll send you a copy. Bill Plouffe (did I spell that right?) did an outstanding job on it. Outstanding!!

    Now, as far as my usual brand of comedy goes... there is a good chance I will get an opportunity to share with an audience my own personal thoughts on 'Big Wind' at an upcoming fund-raiser down on the coast next month. Stay tuned for details!

    And please visit often!

    xx
    Kazza

    ReplyDelete
  35. I still don't get it!!!!

    Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff are made of...

    What does it mean???

    Hehehe...

    I've gotta tell you... I have some awesome and incredible friends. I got a note sent to my GB Facebook page from a gal who actually tried explaining it all to me. She actually got scientifical! With ME! (She's a relatively new friend, so she can be excused from not knowing what a waste of time that endeavor would be...)

    Alas, I'm still kerflummoxed. 'The dreams stuff are made of.' It intrigues me; it really does. And I shan't be able to let it go until I know WHAT IT ALL MEANS!

    sigh... back to working on this comedy routine. 'The dreams stuff are made of...' Oh, CP, what have you done to me this time?

    ReplyDelete
  36. Oh, and just a reminder... the benefit dinner for Vici Anderson and her family is this coming saturday from 4:30 to 6:30 p.m. followed my some bit of idiocy by me, followed by an auction and raffle. Please, if you are in the area, make it a point to come.

    It's for a great cause and I promise there will be something to smile about. After all, Wally will be sitting in the audience dressed in nothing but his Sponge Bob Square Pants briefs...

    See? I'm smiling already!

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  37. Smiling? Or is that really a grimace at the bilious taste produced by the sight of Wally in his Sponge Bob Square Pants undies?

    ReplyDelete
  38. Well... hehehe. The image brought to mind is certainly one that makes me snicker. Poor Wally! I shouldn't tease him so... To volunteer for such a job when we haven't seen each other in 30 years takes a certain kind of guy. And his wife must be a peach to let him disrobe in public that way-- just to keep a smile on my face whole I'm trying to bring some humor to a grave situation.

    S**t! SEE???? THAT is exactly what I'm worried about-- bonehead moments like that. Dammit. (And that's why I'll need the almost nekkid Wallace... a grin or a grimace-- doesn't matter which, as long as I don't cry. I'm and I'm petrified that I'll fail.)supposed to make people laugh next Saturday...

    btw...I just love your vocab. Bilious:reminiscent of bile; gastric distress caused by sluggishness in liver or gall bladder; sour tempered, irascible. Thanks for that! Bilious... poor Wally. Hehehe.

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  39. DC Over The MountainApril 4, 2010 at 8:03 PM

    "And I shan't be able to let it go until I know WHAT IT ALL MEANS!"


    I guess you don't plan to sleep for a while! Oh, wait a minute, didn't I hear you had already given up sleeping? You may be just the one to figure out what it all means. Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  40. Whoa!!! Spomething funky happened up there! My words got all mixed up...

    Oh, brother. Like I need help screwing up...

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  41. You're welcome; for the bile. Still deciding whether to put you out of your misery with regards to the Quantum Mechanics.

    What do others think ...?

    ReplyDelete
  42. Hiya DC!

    Hey, I haven't given up sleeping... I can't think of a single night in the last year when I've seen the hour between... okay; the HALF HOUR between 4:15 and 4:45! Honest.

    Seriously, you might be right! Maybe I WILL be the one to figure that out! How exciting... I wonder if that would make me as smart as Crookedpaw?

    Yeah... right. I get bilious just thinking about it...

    :o)>
    Kazza

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  43. Oh, man!!! CP, I should have KNOWN you'd know the answer! Dammit. I'll bet there's SOMETHING I know more about than you do! Just one thing...

    You just wait until I figure out what it might be! (Oh, brother...)

    But hey, don't ask the others about quantum mechanics!! You saw what kind of help THEY gave me when I asked for clean jokes! Hmmph!

    Naw, you should just tell me, and never mind those other guys.

    Really. You should.

    xxx
    :o)>

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  44. BTW, CP... I HAVE incorporated a few of the one liners you and Ali g gave me into my schtick on Saturday night. Don't know how it will play out, but I really, really appreciate it. I even thanked you both in my newspaper column for next week.

    You're sweet. I don't care what they're saying about you in Oz... I know the truth.

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  45. The truth is out there: It just can't be seen for for all the veracity.

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  46. Are you sure it just can't be seen for all the verbosity?

    :o)>

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  47. The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility. And vice versa. [Sorry, just had to throw that one in.]

    Crookedpaw, let her think on it for a while. Having these "little" problems to ponder keeps one sharp!

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  48. Hey! Hey!!!

    Now, that's not fair! You just cut that out. If CP wants to tell me all about the dreams stuff are made of, then he should do so without any polarizing influence from you!

    If you value that hat (and I know you must...for I covet it, myself) then you'd better behave. I'll bet I can run faster than you can.

    I have spoken.

    hehehe......

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  49. OK, OK, I'll play nice........... Maybe! ;)

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  50. Yeah... play nice.

    (Scared you, didn't I? I now know the source of your power...)

    ha!

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