Thursday, March 4, 2010
Sex Ed 101
I don’t normally write about intimacy between a man and a woman. It is, after all, a very personal topic. However…
There are some things I simply can’t ignore. My friend Linda emailed me a page from an actual sex education textbook written for British girls back in the 1960’s. Remember, I was ALIVE in the 1960’s!!! It wasn’t that long ago! (Really, it wasn’t!)
Even so, I couldn’t believe what I read…
The chapter starts out innocuously enough.
When retiring to the bedroom, prepare yourself for bed as promptly as possible.
Okay. That’s not very offensive, right? I mean, it conveys a sense of urgency, but if we’re honest, we’ll all admit to being there a time or two. Oh, but just wait!
Whilst feminine hygiene is of utmost importance, your tired husband does not want to queue for the bathroom, as he would have to do for his train.
Heavens, no. When a man’s gotta go, a man’s gotta go! A wife mustn’t make the poor dear wait.
But remember to look your best when going to bed. Try to achieve a look that is welcoming without being obvious.
Huh? Does that mean we should look sexy, but we shouldn’t appear as if we want to have sex? I’m confused. Or mad. Not sure which, just yet.
If you need to apply face cream or hair rollers, try to wait until he is asleep as this can be shocking to a man last thing at night.
Oh, brother. I never realized how fragile our men were. That they could be shocked by something so ordinary as face cream and hair rollers…. WAIT! Face cream and hair rollers? Is it possible to sleep in face cream and hair rollers? You can’t sleep on your belly or your side, else you’ll rub the cream off onto your pillow. You can’t lie on your back because your head is covered in HAIR ROLLERS… Hmmm. Even though I really WAS alive during the 1960’s, I think the Bessey women neglected to participate in this particular trend.
But wait. Wait a minute. What’s this?
When it comes to the possibility (the possibility?) of intimate relations with your husband, it is important to remember your marriage vows, and in particular, your commitment to obey (obey?) him. If he feels the need to sleep immediately, then so be it. Do not pressure him in any way (not ever??? Really??) to stimulate interest.
Aw… you know what? I can’t do this story justice. I feel the makings of a good old-fashioned hissy fit coming on… but really, what good would it do me? Mr. Grumbles isn’t awake to take the brunt of it, and so… what’s the point? He is, after all, the proxy for his whole gender. There’s no satisfaction to be found by ranting at an empty, man-free room.
Since I can’t give my honest, heart-felt opinion on this instruction manual (for I’ve a strict policy against potty mouth, here…), I think I’ll let the article speak for itself. What follows is the remainder of the page.
Should your husband suggest congress (I’d stay away from those slippery buggers, whether he suggested them, or not!) then agree humbly, all the while being mindful that a man’s satisfaction is more important than a woman’s. (Gah! Strangling, here!) When he reaches his moment of fulfillment a small moan from yourself is encouraging to him (of course it is! Of COURSE! Like he NEEDS encouragement!) and quite sufficient to indicate any enjoyment that you may have had. (May have had? Holy Mother of Moaners, this just gets better and better!)
Should your husband suggest any of the more unusual practices (like BIG moans, or congress in curlers [I’d still stay away from those slippery buggers]) be obedient and uncomplaining but register any reluctance by remaining silent. (Okay. Let me get this straight. Small moans encourage him and indicate ‘any’ enjoyment. Silence registers a reluctance to be kinky. Uh huh… that’s my normal tack. That and a well-placed knee.)
It is likely that your husband will then fall promptly asleep (because it’s so SILENT in there, you see) so adjust your clothing (Good Lord! Fully dressed during ‘unusual practices’…I suppose it was a French maid’s uniform?) freshen up and apply your night-time face and hair care products (this had to have been written by L’Oreal, or Avon, or some company like that… get over the ‘product’ application, already!)
You may then set the alarm so that you can arise shortly before him in the morning (gotta use the bathroom first, after all. Remove all that face cream and those curlers so you aren’t shocking to him first thing in the morning. Plus, of course, you wouldn’t want him to have to queue like he does for a train!) This will enable you to have his morning cup of tea ready when he awakes. (Bull shit.)
Well, I almost made it all the way through without any potty mouth. Almost.