Thursday, March 4, 2010

Sex Ed 101

I don’t normally write about intimacy between a man and a woman. It is, after all, a very personal topic. However…

There are some things I simply can’t ignore. My friend Linda emailed me a page from an actual sex education textbook written for British girls back in the 1960’s. Remember, I was ALIVE in the 1960’s!!! It wasn’t that long ago! (Really, it wasn’t!)

Even so, I couldn’t believe what I read…

The chapter starts out innocuously enough.

When retiring to the bedroom, prepare yourself for bed as promptly as possible.

Okay. That’s not very offensive, right? I mean, it conveys a sense of urgency, but if we’re honest, we’ll all admit to being there a time or two. Oh, but just wait!

Whilst feminine hygiene is of utmost importance, your tired husband does not want to queue for the bathroom, as he would have to do for his train.

Heavens, no. When a man’s gotta go, a man’s gotta go! A wife mustn’t make the poor dear wait.

But remember to look your best when going to bed. Try to achieve a look that is welcoming without being obvious.

Huh? Does that mean we should look sexy, but we shouldn’t appear as if we want to have sex? I’m confused. Or mad. Not sure which, just yet.

If you need to apply face cream or hair rollers, try to wait until he is asleep as this can be shocking to a man last thing at night.

Oh, brother. I never realized how fragile our men were. That they could be shocked by something so ordinary as face cream and hair rollers…. WAIT! Face cream and hair rollers? Is it possible to sleep in face cream and hair rollers? You can’t sleep on your belly or your side, else you’ll rub the cream off onto your pillow. You can’t lie on your back because your head is covered in HAIR ROLLERS… Hmmm. Even though I really WAS alive during the 1960’s, I think the Bessey women neglected to participate in this particular trend.

But wait. Wait a minute. What’s this?

When it comes to the possibility (the possibility?) of intimate relations with your husband, it is important to remember your marriage vows, and in particular, your commitment to obey (obey?) him. If he feels the need to sleep immediately, then so be it. Do not pressure him in any way (not ever??? Really??) to stimulate interest.

Aw… you know what? I can’t do this story justice. I feel the makings of a good old-fashioned hissy fit coming on… but really, what good would it do me? Mr. Grumbles isn’t awake to take the brunt of it, and so… what’s the point? He is, after all, the proxy for his whole gender. There’s no satisfaction to be found by ranting at an empty, man-free room.

Since I can’t give my honest, heart-felt opinion on this instruction manual (for I’ve a strict policy against potty mouth, here…), I think I’ll let the article speak for itself. What follows is the remainder of the page.

Should your husband suggest congress (I’d stay away from those slippery buggers, whether he suggested them, or not!) then agree humbly, all the while being mindful that a man’s satisfaction is more important than a woman’s. (Gah! Strangling, here!) When he reaches his moment of fulfillment a small moan from yourself is encouraging to him (of course it is! Of COURSE! Like he NEEDS encouragement!) and quite sufficient to indicate any enjoyment that you may have had. (May have had? Holy Mother of Moaners, this just gets better and better!)

Should your husband suggest any of the more unusual practices (like BIG moans, or congress in curlers [I’d still stay away from those slippery buggers]) be obedient and uncomplaining but register any reluctance by remaining silent. (Okay. Let me get this straight. Small moans encourage him and indicate ‘any’ enjoyment. Silence registers a reluctance to be kinky. Uh huh… that’s my normal tack. That and a well-placed knee.)

It is likely that your husband will then fall promptly asleep (because it’s so SILENT in there, you see) so adjust your clothing (Good Lord! Fully dressed during ‘unusual practices’…I suppose it was a French maid’s uniform?) freshen up and apply your night-time face and hair care products (this had to have been written by L’Oreal, or Avon, or some company like that… get over the ‘product’ application, already!)

You may then set the alarm so that you can arise shortly before him in the morning (gotta use the bathroom first, after all. Remove all that face cream and those curlers so you aren’t shocking to him first thing in the morning. Plus, of course, you wouldn’t want him to have to queue like he does for a train!) This will enable you to have his morning cup of tea ready when he awakes. (Bull shit.)

Well, I almost made it all the way through without any potty mouth. Almost.


  1. Wow, what a pile of 'Bovine Dudu' !!
    Surely a 'real woman' couldn't have written that.....

  2. A real oppressed woman!

    Nah, not really. I think it was just an indication of the mind-set at the time. And... it was no-doubt edited by a man!

    (Hey Dozy... how ya doing, sweetheart? Nice to see you here!)

  3. Ah, the good old days.

    Put that knife down, Kazza... :)

  4. It was a knee, Mr. Ramsay... not a knife! After all, we still need you guys to take care of us poor helpless females.


    I know better, Ramsay. You're as pro-equality as they come. Ya big dope.

  5. Hey Karen !

    This poor helpless (cynical - very cynical) female hires a handyman instead - life is so much easier that way........(even if a tad boring at times)

  6. Hmmm. Depends how handy your handymen are! You've just gotta train 'em right, Dozy.

    Any good looking ones down in New South Wales?

  7. yes me from Sydney.
    Must concur with the above thesis on how you girlies should treat us boys...but must admit I disagree with the picture of that guy making his woman carry all those crates of beer...I mean what if the silly cow dropped and broke them...really that's goinga bit too far.

  8. Oh, my darling Trev... there are so, so many things I'd like to say to you... so many things I'd like to teach you.

    However, this is not the proper venue for such instruction, and so I will bite my tongue, and simply say...

    You don't happen to be a handyman, do you?


  9. Hey Karen, I haven't found any - still searching for a knight in shining armour on a white horse (but with my luck all I'll get is a twat in tinfoil on a donkey........)

  10. BTW: my word verification was 'godly', wonder what that means ????

  11. I'll ask Trev about 'godly'. I'm pretty sure he's right up there...


    Keep looking for the KISA, Dozy. There's bound to be one or two left in Oz!

    Isn't there???

  12. Plenty of horses & plenty of twats but no knights......sigh.
    Maybe they're an extinct species - something you hear about but there's no evidence that they exist......another sigh.
    PS: Just how stupid are the women in your pictures ?? A KISA would not (hopefully) treat a girl that way !

    Avagoodweegend girl !!!!

  13. I've got some more of those photos, too. Aren't they shameful?

    And sweetie... I don't think a KISA exists, any more than a damsel in distress does. Those days are long gone... in some ways that's good. In MOST ways. But still, a gal likes to dream, doesn't she?

  14. Dreams are good - that is until reality sets in.
    Oh well, bugger looking for a KISA - I'd much prefer his horse anyways......

  15. Just an interpretive hump to get over, my dear...


  16. These days the shiny armour is likely to be Teflon-coated Kevlar. So, anything going bump in the Knight isn't likely to leave a dent or a stain.

    And perhaps that speaks to the superficiality of the current social paradigm. To much emphasis is put on outward apearance, while no energy is expeneded on stabilising the core. When the outer shell inevitably crumbles it is soon discovered the inner substance is, in fact, quite insubstantial.

    Plus, you're likely to get a fine from some over zealous council official because your horse is parked the wrong way.

    But, enough extrapolation from this weary cynic.

    So, what exactly is an interpretive hump? Is it some sort of performance which isn't actually a hump, but serves as a metaphor and, as such, is open to artistic specualtion?

    It's all very "Lay back, close your eyes and think of England." isn't it?

    Hee hee hee.

  17. Hee hee hee, yourself, CP! Aw, I really needed that laugh!! Really! I'm reading 'An Ecological and Functional Classification of Animal Sounds' and I can hardly stand it, I'm so stemmy!

    Gah! My life.

    So, thank you, my friend. You've given me a grin in the middle of a midnight grumble!


  18. I'm a knight!
    For my services to the restaurant industry I was dubbed 'Sir Lunchalot'.
    Internals have crumbled somewhat and hard to stir the stumps these days but wtf aint once a knight enough?
    Jesus, the word verification says 'therefuse' now thats indicative....

  19. Hahaha... I LOVE those word verifications!

    Hiya, Sir Lunchalot.

    So, you were a knight of the round table, hmmm? Hehehe.

    A smile to start my day... thank you.


  20. This comment has been removed by the author.

  21. If you'd like a bit more of a giggle, why not wander over to The Butcher Shop. (

    A couple of new posts that might amuse you.

  22. Hey, Crookedpaw! You were right... they most certainly DID amuse me! AND, I plan to return, too--just as soon as my evening's writing obligations are completed-- to read some more!

    Methinks your sense of humor is akin to mine(you poor, poor man...)


  23. Hey! CP! Now you've got my curiosity peaked... what was in the post you removed???

    Hehehe... aw, come on! Give us a hint, won'tcha?

  24. I was going to suggest this could be your next competition: To see who can write the most over the top, cliche-ridden love/sex scene. One that you would be embarrassed to admit you read.

    'Cause I've read some shockers.

  25. Ha!! How about: 'One that you would be embarrassed to admit you WROTE?'

    Hehehe. My mother still won't let me read sex scenes, CP. In fact, she still thinks I'm a virgin. (Actually, I am... so if you're here, Mum, just relax. And I'm sorry I said 'sex' and 'virgin'... I meant 'congress' and 'unsullied')

    Snicker... now I'm all nervous!

    As much fun as your idea sounds (and I could have a BLAST with that one!) I don't think I'd get any entrants. My American friends and followers are actually quite reticent folks. You wouldn't believe how many times they read a GAG posting and email me directly rather than comment on the blog.

    And just yesterday, I put out a request on my FB page for examples of HBC encounters(that's 'hairy butt crack', fyi)and I was met by horrified silence. Plus a few 'GROSS!' responses. Hehehe. I guess I'm just too 'earthy'.

    (That's how Dad describes me when he's being kind. They've decided I got switched in the hospital.)

    Okay... I've gotta head out to the office. But CP, I personally adore your idea. However... I can't even see my darling Trev entering such a contest. Hehehe...but I surely would love to see his entry, if he did!

    More smiles given me from Down Under. Thanks, sweetie. hehehe

  26. What? a virgin....where can I blow myself up?

  27. Hey, Ay-tee!

    I'm just one (really, Mum) virgin-- not seven-- and thus, only worth losing a minor appendage over.

    Shall I choose which one?